THE BILL OF RIGHT FLOW - By Dan Freshman
War is great and all, but it’s important to remember what you’re fighting for.
Again, follow the equation: if 90 percent of lacrosse is in the flow, then what we are truly fighting for is the irrevocable right to pursue and embrace all that is “flow.”
Understand?
Didn’t think so.
As our forelaxers once bestowed to us, we are borne on these fields, set onto this earth to practice the three principal goals of the lax junkie: life, liberty and the pursuit of flow.
For without these principles, what is lacrosse worth playing for? Goals? A sense of competition? Adrenaline rush? Dedication and responsibility to a greater endeavor? Camaraderie? Lifelong friendship? A sense of community? A college education?
As tantalizing as these reasons may all be, the numbers state the vast majority of the game lies in said flow—for flow is a lifestyle, not just all contained within one’s hair. Flow is a sense of game, that runs deep through your hair, your equipment, and the electricity that pours from the ball as it is worked around the perimeter and finds its way into the net. Flow is the synergy that binds our game, from the founding fathers, whom we believe lack flow but in their true and tested times gave birth to it, to the youngest beginners of the game today.
So to both protect and define our rights towards flow, herein lie these ratified statements for which our flow can be kept:
THE BILL OF FLOW
The Lax Nation of the United States begun and held at the City of Baltimore, Capital of Flow, on Thursday the fifteen of May, two-thousand and eight.
THE Conventions of a number of the Lax Gods, having at the time of their adopting the Declaration of Lax, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its flow, that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added for the sake of flow: And as extending the ground of public confidence in the flow, will best ensure the beneficent ends of its institution.
RESOLVED by the old and new lacrosse players of the United States of America, in Summer Lacrosse assembled, 90 percent of both the game and its players concurring, that the following Articles be proposed to the Lax Nation of the several hotbeds, as amendments to the Declaration of the Lacrosse, all, or any of which Articles, when ratified by 90 percent of the said true lacrosse players, to be valid to all intents and purposes, as part of the said Declaration; viz.
ARTICLES in addition to, and Amendment of the Declaration of Lacrosse of the United States of America, proposed by true lacrosse players, and ratified by the flow-minded bodies of the several hotbeds, pursuant to the flow of the original laxer.
Amendment I
The Rules Committee shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of flow, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of flow, or of the dangle; or the right of the people peaceably to celebrate flow mindlessly in social networking groups for hours, and to petition the Rules Committee for a redress of flow and its embodiments.
Amendment II
A well regulated equipment set, head to toe of flow, being necessary to the security of keeping unity, and the right of the people to own it and rip sidearm corners, shall not be infringed. Crew socks shall be, however, required as well.
Amendment III
No flow-less coach shall, bearing a non-offset head and fabric-strap hat, in time of summer ball be or in any game, without the consent of the flow-owner, nor in time of playoffs, restrict one’s flow as prescribed to the rules, no matter if their colored stick is helping the opposing goalie make saves all game.
Amendment IV
The right of the lacrosse player to be secure and confident in their own flow, within their team, season, and the game, against unreasonable mandates on stick color, sock length and shorts side panel pattern, shall not be violated, and no penalties shall be issued, but upon just and unified violation of the flow, supported by the entire team comprised of those who truly possess flow, and particularly describing the item to be scrutinized, and the persons or things to be seized. Flow is as much of unity as it is to stand out amongst others.
Amendment V
No person shall be held to wearing dazzle shorts, an excessively gaudy color, high socks, a non-Brine or Cascade helmet, or otherwise infamously terrible setup, even while having the permission to be on a sick team, except in cases arising while playing for bragging rights, or in a professional league where the team flow is horrendous, when by game time they need to be playing in front of the home crowd; nor shall any player be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of looking like a newb; nor shall be compelled or coerced to be wearing his team colors against his own, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or flow, without opportunity to re-grow his flow; nor shall his custom gear be taken for public use, without just compensation of Keystone Light or other cheap beverage.
Amendment VI
In all penalty box situations, the penalized shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public stint, by an impartial referee of the game who realizes that wild ice picks, kayaks and home run checks are conducive to flow, and wherein the penalty shall have been committed, which ruling shall have been previously checked within the rules of flow, and the player to be informed of the nature and cause of the penalty; to be confronted with the team against him so they can judge who has the better flow; to have compulsory process for obtaining flow-minded souls in his favor, and to have the assistance of his flow-riddled brothers for his defense on the man-down.
Amendment VII
In the working around of the ball, where the length of the possession shall exceed two minutes, the right to jump the players and break some necks be preserved, and no timeout shall be requested, shall be otherwise reexamined in any game, than according to the rules of the fastest game on two feet.
Amendment VIII
Excessive baiting of the ball shall not be required, nor excessive stick twirling required, nor terrible and unusual stick tricks inflicted.
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the flow, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others’ flow that is retained in their game.
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the LaxNation by the Declaration or its Amendments, nor prohibited by it to the teams, are reserved to the players respectively, or to the stars of the game.
These are the rules for which one can reign free with his (or her?) flow. But remember: beyond the set rules, the hair, the equipment, the accessories and the attitude is the energy that exudes from the ball each time one flow-filled player passes it onto the other. In the greatest lacrosse league in the world, these professional players uphold the onus to carry on said flow.
Now, play on.
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