THE TRAIL OF TEARS PART 2 - DECLARATION OF WAR - By: Kyle Devitte
This really isn’t a part two. I had planned on my introductory article to be much longer so I tacked on an unnecessary “part 1” onto it. So, here’s a manufactured part two, in name only.
I’m declaring war.
Yes, war.
On whom you ask? Specifically?
Art Schools, Argyle socks, Baltimore, Blind refs, Bucket helmets, Coaches that wear team gloves, jeans or cargo shorts on the sidelines, Delayed subbing, Division two, Egotistical division one coaches, FLiDs, High Socks, The Lax Mafia, Long Island, Mustaches, Nepotism, Neutered websites that cover lacrosse, The Old school, Player’s that wear the #1, Poor flow, People that scream “BALL – RELEASE” instead of just saying it loudly, Slow-down offenses, Spoiled Pros and D1 players, Stick Regulations, Straight heads, “That’s what she said”, Title IX, Ugg boots, visors and wooden sticks.
Among others.
FORMAL DECLARATION OF WAR
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the Gaits and Powells, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by the Creator’s game with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Heart, Hustle and the pursuit of BTB goals. — That to secure these rights, Coaches are instituted among Men— That whenever any Form of dominant philosophy becomes boring and lame, it is the Right of the Player to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new school of thought, laying its foundation on such conflicting principles as Honour and Spectacle. The history of the present collection of the older lacrosse populace is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over the lacrosse nation. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to those intelligent enough to read without sounding the words out.
They have been refused their initial sport and have instead taken to the sport of lacrosse in an effort to salvage their failures.
They have forbidden their superior assistant coaches to pass laws of the new school of offense and defense. Even when explained in detail they have utterly neglected to attend to needed changes.
They have refused to pass any praise onto lacrosse and have instead elected to represent themselves as the proprietors of all things excellent in the game; a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
They have called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with their measures. (No one wishes to travel to Philadelphia in winter for a worthless convention).
They have dissolved normal subbing patterns repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness the invasions on the rights of the FOGO.
They have refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to take draws, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of getting ground balls, have returned to the box in order to scream and yell for no reason; the FOGO remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of getting water for his teammates.
They have endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of non-laxers; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of sick athletic talent.
They have obstructed the Administration of the run-and-gun by refusing their players the advantage of ripping shots underhand.
They have made Referees dependent on their Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their pitiful salaries.
They have erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Assistants to harass our people and eat bad tailgating food.
They have kept among us, in times of peace, an army of FLiDs and Bros without the Consent of our legislatures.
They have affected to render Long Island and Baltimore independent of and superior to the Civil Power.
They have combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and only on the east coast; giving their Assent to their Acts of pretended “hotbeds”:
For quartering large bodies of Lax Bros:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any alcohol, drug or hair violation which they should commit on or off of the field:
For cutting off the growth of the great sport of lacrosse with all parts of the world:
For imposing new head regulations on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of playing lacrosse with speed, power and toughness:
For transporting us to poorly maintained high school and division three fields littered with snap catchers, fat attackmen and converted track athletes:
For abolishing the free System of the pass and cut offense, establishing only boring plodding 2-2-2 formations, and preventing offensive creativity in doing so.
For taking away our wrap checks, abolishing our most valuable “crap-I-just-got-beat-I-need-the-ball-back” retaliation and altering fundamentally personal highlight reels:
For suspending the expansion of the game, and declaring themselves invested with power to decide who is worthy of scholarships and who isn’t.
They have abdicated the new school here, by declaring us reckless and waging War against us with boring press conferences.
They have plundered our game, ravaged our paychecks, burnt our stringing fingers, and destroyed the lives of our head warrantees.
They are at this time transporting large Armies of FLiDs and Bros to California in order to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already executed on the east coast for two generations.
They have constrained players taken Captive on the fields of football to bare Arms regardless of how tiny their opposition, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their lack of stick skills.
They have excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and have endeavoured to bring soccer players and wrestlers into our fold, the merciless Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all enjoyment of sport.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for a halt to such brutish bro-ness: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated “Nah, dude(s)”. The Oldest School, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of the greatest sport in the world.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Geriatric brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their minions to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our creation and evolution. We have appealed to their love of buffets and long bus rides, and we have asked to disavow these “new rules”, which would inevitably interrupt our progress to awesomeness. They too have been deaf to the voice of dive shots and kayak checks. We must, therefore, give in to our hate, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of the new school, Enemies in War, in Peace victims.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the New School of Lacrosse, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these non-traditional hotbeds, solemnly publish and declare, that we are Absolved from all Allegiance to anyone that starts sentences with “back when I played…”, and that all connection between them and the game of lacrosse, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as soldiers of the game, have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, judge fist pumps, and to do all other Acts and Things which real lacrosse players may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of our freedoms, we mutually pledge to each other our unnecessarily intricate eye-black patterns, our dirty swim dodges, and our sacred Flow.
You have one week to respond.
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