THE TRAIL OF TEARS PART 1 -- By Kyle Devitte
This is the story of how I became a LaxUnited writer. Some stretches of dialogue have been removed due to my first prime directive: Don’t swear. I’d tell you the second prime directive but its irrelevant to this part of the story and will probably be covered later; I don’t know for sure, I haven’t written it yet.
So, one day in February my cell phone rang…It was a strangely familiar voice…
Voice: Hi, Kyle this is Jason Chandler I was wondering if you would be interested in writing for a new website this summer.
Me: Who is this?
Chandler: This is Jason Chandler…I was the Cannons G-
Me: The baby-faced assassin?
BFA: …Yes, Kyle. The baby faced assassin. Thanks for that by the way, my mom calls me that now.
Me: That must be awkward. So…the league is asking me back?
BFA: Uh…no. LaxUnited isn’t technically a part of the MLL…
Me: So where is the LaxUnited office?
BFA: In…the MLL offices.
Me: …So, they’re asking me back?
BFA: No, we –
Me: Just say it Chandler. Say it.
BFA: …We want you to come write for us again this summer.
Me: Say it louder.
BFA: What? No…we – look just come into the office and well talk about what we want you to do.
Me: Okay…the MLL office, right? Do I have to be presentable?
BFA: Just come in tomorrow. And let me know if you can find anyone else that might be interested in writing about lacrosse this summer.
The meeting began as most meetings do; hesitant and gawky. I was fresh off of the worst spring break trip in the history of spring break trips – it was dubbed “The Trail of Tears” by my players. I assure you, there were far more casualties on my trip than the historical Trail of Tears. Among the deceased: My patience, my mind and my will to live. I had convinced my former LaxNation protégé Dan Freshman to come to the meeting and hear Chandler out. I assured him there would be money and if there was no money at least a free trip to a Lacrosse Unlimited afterwards. Dan doesn’t have a car, (but apparently possesses a valid driver’s license) so he accepted. Dan was also tardy so I had to drive the bus to awkward town myself for a few minutes - with the assassin riding shotgun.
Baby-faced-assassin: So, how’s the season going?
Me: Terrible. I hate my life.
BFA: Okaaayyy…so…uh, we want you to write a column on the MLL once a week and do some other media stuff for us this summer.
Me: You’re going to pay me, right?
BFA: Yeah, of course.
Me: With money? Not with like MLL merchandise or bud light or something?
BFA: Haha, yeah – so where’s your buddy?
Me: Dan? He’s late.
BFA: Is that normal?
Me: I dunno…yes?
At this point Dan sauntered in and saved me from ridiculously bad banter. Dan and Chandler said “Hi.”, shook hands and stood strangely close to one another. Dan shot me a “Dude, what the hell is going on”? look, I shrugged and we all moved to an empty table. I figure Chandler likes to stay close just in case he has to slip a shiv into your spine. The assassin went into detail about our column length, objectives and the website. That probably sounds important enough to go over, but the dialogue was flaccid and banal so I’ll save you the boredom. I thought everything was over until Chandler produced a binder triumphantly and said:
BFA: This is the Dan and Kyle Road Show.
Dan/Me: What?
BFA: We want you guys to go to games with little podcast-style cameras and film your experiences. We’re going to post the videos on the site. It’s going to be awesome. What do you think?
Dan/Me: …
BFA: Guys…?
Dan: So…you’re going to pay us to go to games and film stuff?
BFA: Well no…I mean, yeah, we’ll pay for your meals and your room and your gas…
Me: But not to actually do it?
BFA: Not right now…
Dan: …
At this point I looked at Dan, regretted looking at Dan due to shame, looked at the table – which also glared back with shame somehow, looked at Chandler, looked into my empty hollow soul and said:
Me: You’re insane.
BFA: What?
Me: You’re #$%@ing insane, Chandler.
BFA: So…you don’t want to do it?
I looked at Dan again. Once more I was met with extreme disgrace and then consulted the table. Tables tell no lies.
Me: Yeah, #$@%, it why the @#$%^ not?
Dan kicked me under the table. Hard.
It may or may not have happened exactly like that, but you should all get used to me being a writer, not a journalist. Journalists have morals. Writers just steal and make stuff up. Regardless, the next thing I know my dreadful season is over and I’m getting emails about writing this introductory column for a site that isn’t even up yet. Sketchy? Yes. Unexpected? No.
Before I begin writing regular columns next Monday, allow me to address what must be your immediate questions:
Q: What the #%&@ are you doing writing about the MLL again?
A: Inside Lacrosse pays me compliments. Lax United pays me $. Hypothetically. All prospective lax writers out there – it is not too late, pick another field. Nobody pays you and you spend your days screaming on a cell phone and stomping around your dilapidated apartment. You eventually succumb to colour blindness, dwarfism and self-loathing. Quint was once a fashionable basketball enthusiast that worked in customer service. Joe called hockey games and taught preschool. Dan’s going to be 5’ 8’’ and able to eat nails by the time this summer is over. Trust me, the sacrifice far outweighs the payoff.
Q: Whom do I send my hate mail to? (Yeah, “whom” – look it up.)
A: Jason Chandler -- DO NOT send emails to Dave Gross. I mean, not about me anyway, you can email him all you want – just don’t bring up the refs. NO ONE is allowed to talk about refs. Not even the refs themselves.
Q: What will you be writing about?
A: Honestly, I don’t even know. Last summer I had assignments for about two weeks and then I just started turning stuff in and didn’t have any problems. I will say that this year I am going to make an effort to be more positive with my articles. No, really there’s no punch line. I think that it is important to focus on more than just “this guy is garbage, this guy is baller”. 2008 is the year of the flow. I admit that I was once against the flow, but now I see it’s value. I hope to expand upon the concept of flow by introducing sub categories such as “coach flow” and “fat guy flow”.
Q: Uh…What’s flow?
A: This is normally where I would write something like “Kill yourself” or “Go watch soccer you noob” but like I said, I’m making an effort to be more positive. I will give you an example of a player with sick flow: Jarrett Park, (San Francisco Dragons midfielder) and now a player with no flow: Spencer Ford (La Riptide, Attackman). One of those guys led the league in assists; one of them plays with a purple head. In short - flow has nothing to do with how good you are, just how good you look.
Q: Why should I read your #@$%?
A: Seriously, stop swearing. If I can’t swear, you can’t swear. My only two directives all summer are:
1.)Don’t swear
2.) Don’t use/promote/wear competing sponsor’s products.
Seriously, that’s it. Not “Kyle, stop challenging MLL players to fights.” Or “Kyle, stop threatening to punch, stab and assassinate people.” Not even “Kyle, stop hitting on the interns”. My point is, you should read my column because I have no limits. I’m not going to talk up a player because he has an equipment line. I will not hesitate to call out anyone from any team if they are playing like crap. I may be an ass, but I am an honest ass. I might even make you laugh every once in a while.
This is going to be fun.
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