By Dan Freshman

If Denver wins Saturday, traditional lacrosse dies.  For good. 

And it will.

The Outlaws don’t just defy the old man’s game.  They have Jesse Schwartzman sit on it and fart while they dance around and berate it with rap music. 

Denver is unequivocally the apex for why purists hate the pro game.

Why?  Denver breaks all the rules.  At 9-3, the Outlaws were unquestionably the best team this summer.  But they did the little things all wrong.  They were dead last in ground balls up until the end of the season.  They don’t win face-offs.  Most of their stars didn’t go to Syracuse/Hopkins/Virginia.  Oh, and Brian Langtry should not be allowed near children (or a microphone)—yet teaches in the area.

But worst of all: they’re the only playoff team outside a hotbed.

If Brian Reese’s JV Broncos finally pull it together this season, all east coast, 1980s lacrosse loyalists will officially lose all hope in the MLL.  They’ll hike up those cotton short shorts one last time and leave town.  The day a non hotbed team devoid of fundamentals can call itself the best lacrosse team in the world is the day every country club from Maryland to Long Island chokes on their brandy and beats their sons for failing them.

That day will come this weekend.  Ready your Flip Cams.

Thanks to contraction and a bunch of no-name fodder from UMBC and Denver, the Outlaws have architected the most flawless team from end line to end line this summer.  You think that wouldn’t be hard when every team was gifted three to four all-stars for nothing prior to the season, but every other team has screwed it up.  Long Island has no offense.  Toronto has no speed or defense.  Washington had no team players before its makeover.  Chicago has nothing except for two brothers and an STX chest protector.  And Boston, this Saturday, doesn’t have a bona fide goaltender or any depth.

Yes, the Cannons have Paul Rabil.  Yes, any idiot who’s ever heard of lacrosse knows he’s the outright MVP this season—unless you’re trying way too hard to be different.  Yes, a pair of PR99 soiled compression shorts is more popular than any player on the Outlaws.  And yes, the next best midfielder on the Cannons had one-third the points Rabil collected this season.

No other team had such a stark drop-off in production from their first to second-best midfielder.  Matt Poskay was next on the team with 18 points, and he’s strictly a finisher—and admittedly looks terrible in red.  After that, evicted Outlaw Greg Downing scored just three goals in his last five games in Boston on 25 shots.

In two games this summer, Boston’s only midfield scoring threat had a human four goals on a not-so-human 20 shots against Denver.  If former Hopkins teammates Jesse Schwartzman and Matt Bocklet can continue tricking Rabil into taking double digit shots for a third time, count out Brandon Corp from dancing on top of bars Sunday night.

Meanwhile, Denver not-so-quietly owned the league’s best defense and attack, with a midfield core that has dictated the franchise since its inception.  The defense may not be filled with offensively Italian names capable of busting kneecaps in dark alleys, like some other team.  Still, the ragtag lineup of Zink, Garvey and Ethington combined with Artie Lange to surrender the fewest goals of any team this summer.  Flanking them, Denver’s defensive midfield is easily the best in the league, led by Mike Ward’s crazy legs and Nate Watkins’ mediocre “Most Interesting Man in the World” commercial that nobody watched.

On the other side of the field, Boston’s all-name defense has struggled mightily throughout the season, especially against Denver.  In their first meeting this season, Brendan Mundorf exposed the Boston backline with a six-point outing.  In their second meeting, Drew Westervelt broke out for eight points.  In this third meeting, I expect Brett Hughes’s to break out for 12.  From the sideline.

Plus, in the net Schwartzman’s farts prevail over Kip’s pooping stance.  The stats don’t lie.  On the sidelines, Brian Reese is several inches taller than Bill Daye.  Take that as you will.

If the crusted cheddar midfield of Langtry, Sonke and Sims can produce a few goals to unburden Denver’s stellar attack, expect Denver to cakewalk through Annapolis without ever picking up a groundball, winning a face-off, putting more than one player from Syracuse/Hopkins/Virginia on the field at a time or muzzling Langtry.  And it’ll be by one-goal, because seven one-goal losses for Boston sounds so much better than six.  At that point, the Outlaws lineup will dance upon the grave of where purist lacrosse got its start, officially ensuring that no one ever wearing pastels will play lacrosse again.

To read Kyle’s “Showdown” column on why Boston will win click:

http://www.laxunited.com/news.php?contentID=332

Follow Dan on Twitter at www.twitter.com/danfreshman