Award Season
As the season draws to a close, I found myself wondering what people will remember from this - the rebooted six team MLL. Then I think about who sucks and who was awesome and I began to put together some of my own awards. These awards will highlight the great and the horrific. The sick and the sickening. They filthy and the feckless. Strap up MLLers, if you sucked this year you’re about to get called out. If you were nasty, you’re about to get a friendly tap on the rear. I said “friendly”...you know, like “good game”?
You’re right. Let’s start with the evil first since that’s apparently what I’m known for around the league. I mean why else would the front office refuse to transport me to Baltimore for championship weekend – only to be upstaged by the Cannons who not only got me a ride but will be sequestering their twitter account to me? Your hatred is sweet nectar and it shall sustain me. And so we shall start out strong.
Worst Player of the year (or the Least Valuable Player): Matt Streibel. Once the toast of the league and cover boy for Inside Lacrosse touted “the best midfielder in the world” Matt you have fallen so far it’s almost incomprehensible. Speed’s gone. Dodging ability is gone. Shooting touch is gone. Your game is on a milk carton in Iowa. Go find it and come back next year.
Worst Rookie of the year. Matt Abbott. Nine Games. Nine points. Ninth pick in the draft. I don’t buy your intangibles Abbott. I don’t buy your speed. I don’t buy your “old school mentality.” I don’t buy you as a first round MLL player. I don’t care about your game winner in OT two weeks ago – it was wide open and my grandmother could have scored it. You had your chance to impact a team in disarray – and you didn’t. Sit down and do not be counted.
Worst Coach of the year. Jim Mule. Long Island couldn’t score in a brothel with a bank check. There is no excuse for how bad Mules offense is. None. All they do is iso from wherever they are and shoot. Have you guys ever heard of passing? How about setting your guys up FOR the dodge? How about NOT taking a two-pointer on a fast break? This team should have been two games over .500. Instead they squeaked their way into the playoffs thanks to their three one-goal wins over Boston.
Worst Goalie of the year. Mike Gabel. This one was close. It almost went to Garrity, but after Gabel’s chest protector incident, it could only be Gabel. I cannot begin to tell you how colossally stupid it is to use any other company’s gear in the MLL. Say what you will about Tucker’s decision to call him out for the illegal equipment, but it was only a matter of time before Gabel got caught and cost his team a spot in the playoffs. And he couldn’t stop a beach ball kicked by a five year old half of the time.
Worst Analogy of the year. Dan’s entire column on reality TV shows and midseason awards (http://www.laxunited.com/news.php?contentID=288). I told him not to do it. Or rather, I dared him not to. But he did it anyway.
Worst Team of the year. Chicago Machine. Long Island may not be able to score, but at least they can stop you from scoring. The Machine don’t seem to be able to do anything. Cutting guys without telling them on the reg. Watching the Leveille brothers dodge by themselves – on the reg. Rocking horrible unis on the reg. Passionless and uninspired lax on the reg. Playing hurt defensemen and midfielders on the reg. Turnovers on the reg. That’s your 2009 Chicago Machine. Despicable.
Happy place. Happy place. Find my spirit animal. Slide. Go.
My Rookie of the year. Doc Schneider. He’s last in GAA (15.66). Seventh in saves. But he’s fourth in save percentage. He also has the worst defense in the league. Aside form Cinosky, no pole on Toronto can run under a 5.5 40. In fact no one on that team, except Cinosky, Ross and Queener, could run under a 5.5. See, I don’t just look at the stats – I look at the impact. Doc is the heir apparent to the Doc moniker after Dougherty retires. He did better than any rookie goalie ever could in the situation he was in. I salute you, Mr. Schneider. Dan Hardy was good, but he always drew the short stick. He SHOULD have accomplished what he did. There are no awards for status quo.
My Coach of the year. Brian Reese. Good job, Reeser. Now all you have to do is win the chip. Don’t choke because I’ll never let you forget it. No pressure.
My Goalie of the year. Jesse Schwartzman. No brainer. Number one in GAA (11.28), Number 2 in total saves (157), number five in save percentage (55%). Numbers do matter sometimes. But games won? That’s the most important stat of all. Nine wins. You still look like Artie Lang, though.
My MVP. Drew Westervelt. When Westervelt wants to score, he will score. He is not someone that can be stopped by conventional means. People think Mundorf is the guy to stop on the Outlaws. People are wrong. Westervelt is huge, quick and has a Cannon. Speaking of Cannons, I know you all thought this was going to Paul Rabil, but it’s Westys that cannot be game-planned.
Best Analogy of the year. Quint’s salad analogy about the Long Island offense during the Washington Chicago game August 4th. “Too many tomatoes and that salad just won’t taste good…Too much lettuce.” Q, there’s no such thing as “too much lettuce”. If LI has anyone that could grow their hair long enough to HAVE lettuce, then maybe they could have scored some goals. I’m sending LI a case of rogaine during the off-season. Maybe it will help.
Best team of the year. Denver Outlaws. Made Matt Bocklet look like an All-star. That’s an accomplishment in and of itself. Outlaws fans, your unsung hero this season was Lee Zink. I just thought you should know that. When you guys win the championship its Zink who should hoist that trophy first. Without him you would be middle of the road.
Come back next week for dueling semi final picks with Dan Freshman. I wonder whom I will pick…
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