MLL Look-alikes
We are entering treacherous territory here. Apparently another lacrosse publication is doing an article just like this in the near future. What sort of article? An article that educates you, dear reader, on the facial characteristics shared by your favourite MLL players and [obscure] celebrities. I may not have mentioned this before, but I’m something of a film nerd. Okay, I’m like the Harry Potter of film nerds. A young wizard that doesn’t know his own…power?
Hey, whoever is writing that competing article? Dude, you win. Already. That was embarrassing. Let’s just cut to the quick.
Let’s start you off with the best of the bunch and work backwards. I present to you the BEST celebrity look-a-like in the entire article:
Michael Biehn: 
AND
Brian Langtry: 
Yes. John Connor’s father, Kyle Reese, is the spitting image of one Brian Langtry. Look at the sullen eyes. The vacant stare. The stilted dialogue delivery. It’s all there. You could take Biehn (“Hicks”) out of Aliens and replace him with Langtry and there would be no change in the movie. Except Langtry would likely try and steal Sigourney Weaver’s underwear scene by wearing his compression shorts. He likes to do that.
Kenny Nims:
AND
Nomar Garciaparra: 
Nooomaaahh! Oh my gawd Nomah I friggin love you guy! Come back ta Bawsten! Hey, Nims you’re welcome for the nickname. Now change your number to 5 and stop saying you’re Derek Jeter. Until you pull talent like #5, you can’t pretend to be #2.
Tom Zummo: 
AND
Jerry Ferrara:
This one I stole from the Cannons video blogs last year. It doesn’t make it any less striking or true. We miss you Zoom, come on the blog/show before the playoffs, eh?
Joe Cinosky: 
AND
Mark Wahlberg: 
I did NOT see this one coming. It’s like a Photoshop job gone wrong – but its real. I swear it’s real. Joe, you have a future as a celebrity double.
Danny Cocchi: 
AND
Matthew Lillard: 
“You cut me too deep man, I’m losing a lot of Blood here…”
“Scooby?”
“Hack the PLANET!”
Matt Danowski: 
AND
The kid from The Toy: 
Hey Dano, it’s just like staring into a creepy future telling mirror, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?! Thank you E! True Hollywood Story, Thank you.
Chris Eck: 
AND
Ben Foster: 
The cheeks are off, but again, it’s all in the eyes. Blank. Scary. Blonde. The jaws all wrong too, but look past that. Look deep into the soulless windows of the soul. You will find nothing…
Chris Fiore: 
AND
Chris Penn (Resevoir Dogs? No? Get Netflix you degenerate): 
I know, Chris Penn is dead. This is done in poor taste. I freely acknowledge that. But you have to look at the similarities. Both incredible performers in their time, both saddled with an addiction to Dunkin Donuts.
Tony McDevitt: 
AND
THE KURGAN: 
YOU DON’T KNOW WHO THE KURGAN IS? GET OUT OF MY COLUMN RIGHT NOW! YOU! OUT! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONNNNNNEEEEE!!!
Steve Panarelli: 
AND
Frank Stallone (Rambo/Rocky’s little brother): 
This one is straight from an MLL higher up. I can’t tell you who it was, but it’s pretty scary that he/she saw it before I did.
Bud Petit: 
AND
The guy with weird facial scars from Braveheart: 
Hopefully Bud has better luck avoiding the knives of transients.
Brad Ross: 
AND
The Puppet from Team America: 
Ignore the hair. Embrace the twisted puppeteering. Look at Ross’s face. Rosy cheeks, big smile, weird neck – it’s him. I’m telling you, it’s him.
Jesse Schwartzman: 
AND
Artie Lang: 
I swear to all that is holy, if Jesse Schwartzman waltzes into my screen and asks me “What’s up” when I’m looking at Lax world’s website I’m going to punch a hole through a parakeet. I have small hands.
Geoff Snider: 
AND
Chris Leben: 
Both are gingers (sort of). Both knock people out. Both have no neck.
Joe Walters: 
AND
Lou Diamond Phillips: 
I hate to do this to Sweet Lou D, but it’s uncanny. For the record LDP: I saw the entire season of Wolf Lake and found it mildly enjoyable. Walters: I have never found anything you have done mildly enjoyable.
Ryan Boyle: 
AND
Chris Pine: 
IT’S A TRAP! Oh, wait, wrong operatic space franchise. Chris Pine is captain Kirk, Ryan Boyle is captain smirk. That’s a pun, big guy - that’s how you make the big bucks.
Lee Zink: 
AND
Alec Newman: 
About to go super nerd on you: Alec Newman was the star of the Dune remake/mini-series. That apparently only I saw. He also did a guest spot on Dan Freshman’s favourite TV show: Angel. It’s true, ask him. When I didn’t know the name of the character he texted it to me in five seconds. But I erased it. Mua’dib is the truth anyway. Killed a cracker with a knife made from bone. That’s Red Dragon. And so is Zink.
So there you have it lacrosse fans. I feel like time will show who the true winner is in the battle of the look-a-like articles. Judge not by your first impression. Just remember that I had the idea first and that is literally all that counts.
See you next week for the annual Playoff Preview. Which team will I curse? Which team will I reverse jinx? Which team will follow through on the empty death threats?
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