Let’s go Shopping
Since everyone and their mother are basically abreast of the playoff situation, I’ve decided to go in a different direction. It has occurred tome that I have not done enough for each franchise. It’s pretty clear no one is safe in this column – players, coaches, front office personnel – there is sanctuary here. I have even been known to gnaw on the hands that feed me like a zombified denture-less granny.
It is with great uncertainty and trepidation that I present this olive branch of a column. Franchise owners, operators and sugar daddy’s I am here to make YOU money.
I have cobbled together a list of items available for purchase on each teams respective website and thrown in a sprinkling of ebay links when appropriate. You see, each team has it’s own store of goodies that you can only buy at games and online. (In case you’re wondering, yes I have seen one of these mythic stores of trinkets and it was glorious.) I’m not talking about the stuff you can buy on lacrosse.com or on the MLL website itself (although they are both reputable and upstanding merchants) - I’m talking about the individual team merchandize.
Each team has a different allotment of miscellaneous items, some of them impractical and functionless, but most of them very cool and exclusive. Obviously, I’m going to try to hit each end of the spectrum and then a bonus “value” pick – because I’m all about the value.
First up we have the first place Denver Outlaws. Do you like hats? I like hats. So do the Outlaws. They have 15 to choose from. I would expect the Lizards to have 15 hats, just because old balding guys NEED hats, but the Outlaws have cornered the market on hair club for men demographic. Here’s my favourite hat (that I would actually wear): http://denveroutlaws.com/fan/store/index.html?c=6&i=71&t=0
It’s classy, it’s old school and it’s very 1997 chic. The best hat that I couldn’t wear: http://denveroutlaws.com/fan/store/index.html?c=6&i=65&t=0
I just couldn’t pull that off. More power to you if you can, but that’s not a dome piece I can maximize with a tiny body and a giant head. The Outlaws also have a great auction site that you can peruse here: http://denveroutlaws.com/fan/auctions/
Uhhh…I swear there was something in there yesterday. Good try though!
Value pick: http://denveroutlaws.com/fan/store/index.html?c=11&i=102&t=0
Everyone together now: Show me your…sticks!
Now that we’re no longer PG-13 here, we can move on to the Boston Cannons. In case you’re wondering, the Cannons are the team that allowed me to see their secret room of gear. And by allow I mean I snuck in there and made giggly sounds as I sifted through stacks of t-shirts and autographed photos of Boomer. The best thing you can get on the Cannons website right now is a raffle ticket for your very own game-worn red jersey that they’re wearing in the season finale next week. I wore this thing for a Laxunited segment earlier in the year and I have to say, despite their generous sizing, they look sweet. You have to call them to get that though, give them a ring at: 617-746-9933. Tell them Kyle Devitte sent you. Best item besides a raffle ticket for a jersey: http://www.bostoncannons.com/fanzone/merchandise/index.html?i=90
If you have been to a Cannons game, you know why. If you don’t have one of these your left cheek will fall asleep by half time.
Don’t buy this: http://www.bostoncannons.com/fanzone/merchandise/index.html?c=4&i=84&t=0
Seriously. They’re really snug and only go with acid wash jeans and big hair.
Speaking of acid wash jeans, let’s go across the border and see what the Toronto Nationals have to offer. They don’t have a merch store on their website. That’s appalling. I’m appalled. I guess I can’t blame them, the Zombie Rattler’s haven’t been a team for more than 6 months; so it’s probably too much to ask for an online store. But hey, you can get all the Rattlers stuff you could ever dream of on lacrosse.com and majorleaguelacrosse.com. You’re expecting a joke here, but you’re not going to get it. The Nationals follow me on twitter and Geoff Snider plays for them so you get this:
http://www.nllinsider.com/2009/07/29/video-geoff-snider-kos-brooklin-redmens-tyler-worden/
Long Island is likely your fourth playoff team; so let’s see what they have in their little lock of pain. I was pleasantly surprised by what the Lizards had in their selling arsenal. This little gem right here may be a bit pricey, but damn if it isn’t exquisite:
http://longislandlizards.com/store/index.html?i=96
So wait – I get four tickets, 4 nachos, 4 drinks AND four burritos? Are you fudging with me right now? That’s AMAZING! Imagine all the other teams you can see the Lizards play!
Buy one of these: http://www.longislandlizards.com/store/index.html?c=3&i=76&t=0
And then just walk onto the sideline. 60% of the time it works every time.
I can’t believe they’re selling this for 10 bucks, That’s just ballsy. If you have one of these: http://www.longislandlizards.com/store/index.html?c=18
I encourage you to find creative ways to destroy it, film it and send it to LaxUnited. Seriously. Bobbleheads are out like Lindsay Lohan jokes.
It’s getting tougher and tougher to keep this train on the rails, people. The Chicago MAH-SHEEN are next. If you want to see why I call the Machine the MAH-SHEEN, read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Silent-Bob-Speaks-Collected-Writings/dp/1401359736/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1248990190&sr=8-1 Hint: It’s a story about Charlie Sheen. Back when he was cool.
…
Wow. Just…wow. http://chicagomachine.com/shop/
**Shakes head, Kicks chair, walks out.**
I’m back. That was frustrating. I’M TRYING TO MAKE YOU GUYS MONEY HERE!
One more team. Breathe, Kyle. Breathe.
Thank you inner voice of reason – dude, where have you been all season?
Hookin’ up with chicks.
Oh. Fair enough.
The Bayhawks close us out with the best offering on the board. Unlike the other teams, Washington contracts out to local retailer laxworld and judging by the result EVERY MLL team should do the exact same thing. I’m giving you a basic link, just so you can check it out: http://www.laxworldannapolis.com/joomla/store.html?page=shop.browse&category_id=4&vmcchk=1
Personally I’d get a lax pinnie to wear just to stick it to my voice of reason. No one hooks up in a lax pinnie. Ask Brantford Winstonworth. http://www.laxworldannapolis.com/joomla/store.html?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=5&category_id=4
Do you like hunting animals but can’t find anything in your wardrobe that marks you as a laxer and a Bambi killer? Then this hat is for you: http://www.laxworldannapolis.com/joomla/store.html?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=6&category_id=4
In fact, if I were a Bayhawks fan, I would buy the entire page. Even the visor. I’m bringing it back.
So there you go MLL franchise head honchos. Just made you some bones. Don’t say I never did anything for you. Next week: Playoff preview, live from Lake Placid, NY!
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