The Immortal Technique
I can’t do it. I can’t watch these MLL teams get run into the ground. I’d say about two of them are being run in an efficient manner. I know this because I know the right people. I also do a great job of blending into a room/sideline full of players/executives/front office personnel and pretending I’m a clueless intern by blankly staring at things around me. I see things you can’t see, and I hear things you shouldn’t hear. It makes sense that I write things that upset people. I also borrow ideas from sources for my upsetting columns, but unlike the pirate hookers that steal my column ideas, I give credit where credit is due. So, here are the inspirations for this weeks displeasing offering:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVwZduO2g7w
http://www.twolvesblog.com/200905062113/minnesota-timberwolves/articles/bill-simmons-wants-to-be-the-timberwolves-gm.html
My metaphors are dirty like herpes but harder to catch/
Like an escape tunnel in prison, I started from scratch
Perhaps the Peruvian rap dialogue is a bit too cryptic. MLL GM’s – I want your job(s). It’s not that I’m sick of this commentary gig; it’s just that I’m looking to upgrade the league and myself. There are six franchises in the MLL right now. Two are run well. Two are in shambles. Two no one cares about. If you need help determining which team fits where, look at the standings.
There are three different kinds of GM’s in this league.
- The part time guy. This is the GM that is only a GM from May to August. He’s in his office every day during the season for at least an hour a day. He has his own interns. He writes emails, has a minor say in draft picks and talks to the owner every day. He’s the standard. More on this later.
- The Face. This is the guy that presses flesh. Maybe the franchise has a belligerent coach that doesn’t like to be on camera. Maybe he’s a marketing guru and brings money in from sponsors. Maybe he knows a guy who knows a guy that played with a guy that owns a team. This guy is a talker. He’s a mover. He gets things done. But doesn’t make draft picks. Or trades. Or coaching selections. He’s a GM for the people, but he’s also one of the people.
- The Swiss army knife. This guy is the coach, the GM, the PR director, the intern and the training staff. He does it all – when he has time. This guy is alpha to the max. A control freak. A problem solver. A fighter. He’s also got a shelf life of about two years before he burns out.
Immortal Technique stuck in your thoughts darkening dreams/
No ones as good as good as me, they just got better marketing schemes
When you hire Kyle Devitte you get All three GM’s. You’ll get the part time guy because I have a D3 team to coach during the year, but don’t worry we don’t make the NCAA tournament. Ever. So I’m generally always free after the last game in April. You get the face because the Internets have made me famous. It’s true; I’m now on the “W-List” for parties and gatherings on the East Coast. I WAS on the “Z-list” last year, but the video blogs have really helped the public profile. I opened a Baja Fresh in Needham last week. Plus the outright jealousy and rage produced by the “All Time MLL team” has bumped me past the “Y” classification. Oh, and that final General Manager type? You definitely get him, because people can only stand me for two years and I’m clearly a control freak and a fighter. You might want to contract out for the problem solver though, since I tend to just make fun of someone until they cry or hit me to get my way.
But this ain't a movie, I'm not a fan or a groupie/
And I'm not that type of cat; you can afford to miss if you shoot me
No one knows this league like I do. No one. I know you all think I’m this loudmouth failed stand up comic that landed this gig on a lark. And you’re sort of right, but the fact is I’m more than just a joke writer. I’ve been a college coach for over six years. I’ve run camps (that’s why this column is late – sorry ‘bout that, eh?) I’ve organized and directed travel teams. I’ve played freaking Senior B lacrosse and I didn’t die. I’ve been to every single NCAA final four for 12 years. I’ve covered NCAA championships professionally for the last six years. I’m a lacrosse psycho. A modern day renaissance knight of the Gaits. You want resumes? Too bad, you’re getting them because I just sent mine to every single owner/co-owner in the league in my bid for any of these chuckleheads’ jobs. This is not a joke. I’m the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be. Under 5’ 9’’.
Deep in the club toast the truth, reach for your glasses/
I burn an orphanage just to bring heat to you bastards
You just know me as Kyle the joke writer. That saddens me. It’s time for a change. Time to flex the knowledge muscle for the greater good of this league. Think about what hiring me would do for your franchises. Media attention, complete commitment, player outrage and celebration at the same time. Most importantly, I’m cheap: I’ll do it for 10k, a team polo, a case of Muscle Milk and a promiscuous girlfriend. I might need a computer too since the down arrow and the seven keys don’t work on my keyboard anymore. So you have any idea how annoying it is to type out “seven” instead of just flicking a key with a seven on it? How about scrolling with a touchpad instead of just pressing the down key when you want to read the rest of yet another bad lacrosse article? (For reference, I’m a Mac guy, but I’ll settle for a netbook with Paul Rabil wallpaper).
This is the business, and ya'll ain't getting nothing for free/
And if you devils play broke, then I'm taking your company
Look, MLL teams you have a litany of choices when it comes to hiring General Managers. But I will tell you that I will never do the following things that a few of the worst GMs have done this year:
- Cut a player and not tell him, resulting in his arrival at the airport and not having a ticket result in his knowledge of the act.
- DNR anyone. I won’t DNR guys. If they don’t want to play for me, I’ll trade them. Even if the trade is like two bags of balls and a Supercuts gift certificate. Just give me something. It has to be about the betterment of the league and the happiness of the players directly contributes to that.
- Draft the best player, THEN draft the team needs. This is a veteran’s league. You don’t draft goalies in the first round and then expect them to be starters. You don’t draft defensemen and expect them to be All Stars the first year. And you sure as a broken swizzbeat can’t draft attackmen that don’t pass and middies that can’t shoot. Ever.
- Practice squad proven MLL starters to try and “light a fire” under them. MLL players have bigger egos than you should ever know. Not all of them, of course, but most of them are just so obsessed with how good they are that they could put Terrell Owens to shame. You know what you do with those people? You take care of them. You tell them they’re the greatest. That’s what GM’s do. Putting them on the practice squad or LETTING the coach put them on the practice squad is team suicide.
- Get my coach on the same page and do everything in our power to trade or draft the best guy ever year. Then fire him when he disagrees with me and take his job.
- Bring two goalies to every game in case one of them melts down and lets in seven goals in a row.
- Teach my coaches to use timeouts. And zones. And two pole face-offs. And motion offenses. I’ve got a lot of work to do. Send them out, IT:
I leave you to your own destruction like sparking a fiend/
Cause you got jealousy in your voice like star scream
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