Freshman’s Trade Deadline Buzz
By Dan Freshman
I’ve been playing a bootleg copy of NHL 2008 lately. I even started my own dynasty team with a fantasy draft, so I get to play GM and everything.
For example, because I picked the Boston Bruins as my franchise, they have a higher coach rating, which means all players get a +4 to all attributes. Then, because I have my team on a full contact practice schedule, that means they all get a +4 to shooting, a +4 to checking, a +2 to passing, a +2 to skating and a +1 to faceoffs at the cost of a -1 to endurance and a -1 to morale. On top of that, there’s individual lines that have chemistry ratings, which can boost each player as much as a +3 or hurt them as much as a -3 to all of their attributes—my second scoring line of Phil Kessel, Eric Lindros and Tomas Holmstrom gets a +1. Also, if a player is doing well, he goes on a hot streak, which boosts all his attributes by +5. Finally, if a team does well and your owner is impressed, he/she/it can give you incentives. Yesterday, my owner told me if I win every game this week, he’ll hire better assistant coaches, which improves all practice schedule ratings, which in turn boosts individual player ratings…
…Yeah, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands. That’s what happens when you spend a month training for an unnamed SAT prep conglomerate, compete against laid off math teachers and PhD students, get hired anyway, and then get offered classes in Nashua, NH during October even though there’s an office down the street and you’re only in New England through August. FML (don’t know what that means? Look it up or become a 21st century frat boy.)
My travails through an outdated hockey video game have showed me that I can never be a GM. I can’t calculate Kyle Dixon’s agility rating as opposed to his checking rating on a numeric 100-point scale and then see how that’s affected by a tactical schedule compared to an up tempo schedule. Plus, if I were a GM a team would have a starting 10 of Matt Poskay, Chazz Woodson, Greg Gurenlian, Brad Heritage, Stephen Peyser, Bobby Horsey, Stephen Berger, Joe Cinosky, Mitch Belisle and Brett Queener. We’d suck, but we’d make sick video blogs.
So instead, here’s what the real GM’s are planning for the tomorrow afternoon’s trade deadline…
…The Bayhawks look like they run themselves like a video game—and they may not be done just yet. Newcomer coach John Tucker swore from the start of the season that he would continue to swap in and out players until he found a lineup that worked. It doesn’t work as well as it does on an Xbox 360. “I don’t like changing the roster, and ideally, we like to have [an effective lineup] from the very beginning, but it is what it is,” he said.
But it looks like Tucker has finally figured out the game—or at least that up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, enter cheat code.
His Bayhawks are undefeated the last two weeks, pushing a lineup with seven rookies in the rotation. And his transactions had much more to them than a video game. “We forced some guys in there early on in the season and I think they’re getting their feet under them and I like where we’re headed,” he said. “We certainly don’t have any intentions to change it up right now.” Tucker does admit that he’d like another offensive midfielder to top off the roster, but he’d prefer to look for it internally. Still, he doesn’t rule out a trade, preferably for another local player. He’d also like a new copy of Halo 3, but we’ll see if the Bayhawks front office will spring for it.
..The Cannons may have already gotten their deadline blockbuster by signing Ryan Boyle play-date buddy Justin Smith last week, adding another talent to the best blogging team in the league. “Smitty” was best when it mattered, scoring two goals in the fourth quarter of a tied game, en route to a Cannons upset over the Outlaws. “He just gives us a little more depth at the midfield,” Cannons Nintendo world champion Bill Daye said. “He’s played with [Ryan Boyle] and the other Philly guys. And he’s hungry. He’s hungry to contribute and win.”
Boston’s other proverbial midseason pick-up involves this guy, as seen in the last game of his collegiate career. My God, he’s going full magnum!
Beyond Smitty and Zoolander, Daye has been one of the most active coaches at the trade deadline the last few years. But as of last week, he says he’s happy with his Madden Dynasty. “I’d say I’m pretty set on my roster right now,” he said. “That doesn’t say if someone came with me with something, we wouldn’t look at it.”
In fact, anonymous league officials claim that the Cannons may have interest in swapping midfielders—or, more optimistically, bald DJs/hosts that have decimal points on their jerseys. Wait, there isn’t another guy in the league like that? Then maybe they’re just dumping him…
…Winning one-goal games finally went out of style for the Lizards (but Ed Hardy shirts and J. Crew hair gel never will!) Lon-guy-land finally came down to earth and reaped the benefits of its last-place offense. Still, they’re going to try to keep things in the family, for now. “Watching the team from my perspective I don’t’ see any glaring holes that need to be addressed,” Lizards assistant Tony Resch said. “I think [Jim Mule] and [Casey Hilpert] will be looking to improve the team reaching out to other teams or listening to what other teams may have to offer, yeah, but I think as a coach or as a team you’re looking to see whatever they can do to be competitive in the second half.”
Resch mentioned the Liz’s love for veterans, so if a deal goes down, expect him to have social security…
…Leighton Meister’s Manhattan Machine, as usual, are the de facto team to cause drama tomorrow afternoon. First, they moved their home game to a high school—just where Ms. Meister belongs. Then, after sipping a few Appletinis, the Chicago brasses weren’t mum about what they wanted. “There’s two areas we may look to address—defensive midfield or long pole—but I think we’ll pretty much go with what we have,” Chicago Gossip Girl John Combs said.
Midfielder Jarrett Park and all-star defenseman DJ Driscoll are both injured, the former possibly out for the rest of the season. Meanwhile, the Machine may be the only team in the league with a wealth of midfielders, making a trade with Boston, Long Island or Washington more than just a teenage socialite’s fantasy. Depending on how Driscoll and Park shape up, the Machine still have incentive to keep their roster the same for the rest of the season, after vanquishing all of Canada last weekend. Or maybe, they could trade one of their seven FOGOs.
XOXO, BEASTMAN…
…Up North, the Nationals may need another therapist. They’re sliding faster than a moose knuckle on a Zamboni. “I think we are having some focus problems now
and that is evidenced by the large number of dropped passes on the O end and
uncontested shots on the D end,” Nationals coach Dave Huntley said. “You are not going to win any games in this league unless that gets cleaned up and I am confident it will.”
Besides the requested bottle of Adderall, Huntley does not expect to make any more deals this season. Huntley has, however, ordered 10 cases of the antivirus, so they can turn this guy into that guy. Yes, John Grant Junior has fought off a flesh eating virus to come back this season—which may be a bigger acquisition than any team could’ve made. “John passed his physical and he is eager to get back playing again. We are looking forward to seeing him in the lineup soon,” Huntley said.
No word if Milla Jovovich can splatter brains on a lacrosse field…
...Outlaws resident button masher Brian Reese likes to think he makes the best trades in the league. Too bad as of last week, nobody’s called him for a trade.
As usual, Reese is probably open for anything, except for a long talk about feelings. Denver boasts the most productive attack in the league, combining for 91 points this season, spent two first-round picks on midfielders and has two all-star defensemen who have played in a combined three games. Reese probably said it best:
“I'm probably not going to make any deals and I doubt you will see anything.”
Tomorrow, we’ll see if Reese puts on his lucky pink shirt and enters the magic code on his blackberry: “All your base are belong to us”…or “INTANGIBLES!”
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