Let’s Play Virtual GM
It’s trade deadline time, everyone get excited! Oh wait, no big names EVER move in the MLL trade deadline – just the off-season. GM’s never have the cojones to pull the trigger in season. GM’s never really do anything. They don’t even give interviews. I have to threaten them to get them to email or call me. Such a dirty business, this riling of MLL personnel.
So since none of the wizards behind the curtain will pull the trigger on anything of consequence before the trade deadline on July 7th its up to yours truly to propose the trades that would shake up the league and make each team better. In order for me to do this, I will have to get rid of the GM’s. It’s nothing personal; it’s just that I have to…take care of some of these guys. You know, TAKE CARE of them. Its just business.
Let’s start with the bottom feeding sturgeon of the league – YOUR The Chicago Machine! Scenario: John Meister is forced to resign after Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester makes another tape of her bedroom exploits and mistakenly yells out “Who’s Mr. Meister?” at the end of the recording. A mysterious figure delivers a copy of the tape to the league office with a note that says “Worst GM Evah! XOXO – BEASTMAN!” (Originally this was a joke about Russian cosmonauts, but Dan Freshman provided me with the XOXO line and I peed a little, so here it is.) What do they need? What DON’T they need? Chicago is an easy team to analyze because they need everything. Everyone is on the block at this point. They have attackman too many. They NEED another D man who can run with the ball and make key plays on the wings and in front of goal.
Trade I would make: Chazz Woodson and Greg Bice for Ronnie Staines and Kevin Huntley. Looks like a rip for the Machine and it probably is. But you know what? The MAH-sheen need to get the better end of a trade at some point. I’d probably throw in a third or fourth rounder to sweeten the deal. Bice only has a season or two left until the orphans call on his philanthropy and Chazz is currently injured, but he’s busy drawing pictures of white tigers and talking about toilets in video blogs anyway. Huntley is a proven scorer in a good system and Staines just has a better handle than Bicer.
Trade I wouldn’t make: Kevin Leveille for Ryan Boyle. As much as I admire Boyle’s passing ability, sending Kevin back to Boston would be counter productive. Leveille is the heart and soul of the Machine, as battered and bloodied as it is at the moment. I guess one Machine IS untradeable. Machiner? Machinist? Machination? Damn it…
Next up we have the disappointing Washington Bayhawks. A wolf like creature has eviscerated Scott Hiller on his daily walk through downtown Baltimore. Descriptions of the animal varied from “languid” to “Jiloty-esque”. The Bayhawks need an O-middie and a young defenseman that won’t get smoked by quicker attackmen. And Conor Gill to come out of retirement.
Trade I would make: Kevin Buchanan and Scott Urick for Keith Cromwell, Dan Cocchi and Blake Miller. Buch is a hot property on a team that doesn’t have much to offer. Cromwell is underrated but gritty and Blake for Urick is just a swap of dudes that like their own shot more than anyone else’s. Cocchi adds another presence in the defensive midfield and transition game.
Trade I wouldn’t make: Kyle Dixon and Spencer Ford for Matt Danowski and Stephen Berger. Without Dixon and Ford, Washington would have probably had to forfeit some games. Those guys have their weaknesses, but they don’t play beyond themselves and share the ball. That’s more than I can say for Danowski or Berger who have been very hit or miss this season. I’d think long and hard about doing this if it was on the table, but eventually I’d leave it. After an hour or two of tweaking out over it.
The Nationals went from top of the heap to middle of the pack in one week, as they were felled by two of the leagues best offenses in the span of 4 days. Stuart Brown has been deported to France after an elaborate blackmailing scheme hatched by Tom Marechek to take over Team Canada. Unfortunately Tom underestimated the might of the nation of France who sent a team of assassins led by Zinedine Zidane and Jean Reno to eliminate all parties involved. Tragically, Stu is caught in the crossfire. The Nationals need more transition players and another strong longpole.
Trade I would make: Joe Walters and Gary Gait for Stephen Peyser, Zack Greer and Brian Spallina. I’ve heard that Peyser is “that guy” in the locker room. Spalina has gas in the tank but he needs the motivation of playing for a championship to stay vested. Joe Walt and Gait would do well in LI’s no run/yes gun offense and give the Lizards the big time scorer(s) that they need so Danowski can stop shooting 2 pointers. Greer belongs on the Nationals and Spallina playing in another country allows me to sleep soundly at night.
Trade I wouldn’t make: Brodie Merrill for anyone. Not yet anyway. Not. Yet.
The Cannons are on the rise and are the hot team in the league, winning their last three contests with offensive explosions that rival all racist Michael-Bay-directed robot dialogue. That’s a Transformer’s 2 joke. If you liked that movie I need you to promptly walk in front of a bus because you, sir/madam, are an idiot. Mark Kastrud is placed in a coma after an angry swarm of moths consume both his linen cotton blend pants and his legs in a spelunking mishap. Surprise! Nothing changes; BD does all the personnel moves anyway. The Cannons need ONE more midfielder to add depth to their squad, but likely want to keep their line up in tact. Any deal will almost certainly involve draft picks.
Trade I would make: Tom Zummo and Ray Megill for Jeff Sonke and a second round pick in 2010. If Denver needs anything its another attackman in case one of their big three go down on the way to the playoffs. Denver is also in the middle of a transition from grizzled vets to dazzling rookies and this gives them a tweener midfielder who can still play, but will also teach new players as long as he sees the field. Sonke gives the Cannons yet another outside shooter for the second midfield and on man-up.
Trade I wouldn’t make: Tom Zummo for Chris Rotelli. Seems like the easy trade. Rotelli was already a Cannon back in the day and we all know how well ex-Cav’s do in Boston, but Zoom is worth more to the Cannons than Rotelli is to the Machine. Day probably wants a first rounder for the long lost brother of the Dos Equis guy. Plus, Zoom is funny and Rotelli is about as entertaining as a cold bowl of soup. Stay thirsty, my friends!
Long Island has been winning games by the hair on their nether regions all season. I don’t know how they do it, since they are ranked last (as of this writing with 11.8 goals per game) in team offense. Poor Casey Hilpert…who? He’s the Lizards GM – I didn’t know who he was because LI’s entire coaching staff and team refuse to speak with media (except for Tony Resch, who is still awesome even as an assistant). Hey Mule do everyone a favour and stop acting like you’re too good to speak to the media; it might be why you draw 2,000 fans at home games or why Newsday didn’t even know you started the season back in May. I’m not joking. Now I am: Hilpert is besieged by an army of FLiD’s who refuse to pay for season tickets and would rather watch the Cantiague league for free. Hilpert survives the initial onslaught, but is finished off by a group of escaped fat farm detainees who trample his unconscious body on their way to a Dairy Queen across the street. Long Island needs scoring. Period.
Trade I would make: Matt Zash and a third round pick for Brendan Loftus. Zash hasn’t produced for the Lizards this year, but he can still offer a lot to a team that needs toughness and speed on the wings. Chicago needs someone to tough out some GB’s on face-offs and Loftus has eight goals in six games and has been great with the ball in his stick and is an excellent invert dodger.
Trade I wouldn’t make: Chris Fiore for Kyle Harrison. Sometimes I feel like all I do is bash Harrison. I don’t mean to do it, but when I see guys like Fiore and his moobs double Kyle’s point total with a repertoire of a hard shot, a decent bull dodge and a pair of double D’s I get frustrated. I know Harrison can be a great player again, but this season I would leave this offer without a second glance.
The Outlaws are the class of the league, led by the best attack unit in the league. They win often and they usually win big. Denver GM/Head Coach Brian Reese, out for a morning jog, encounters Lax United columnist Dan Freshman, who promptly challenges Reeser to a gentleman’s duel. Reese accepts and as they take their tenth pace, Freshman wheels and fires on Reese, striking him in the temple with a perfectly placed headshot. Freshman fires a victory shot into the air, but his gun jams. Freshman is struck by a bullet fragment that severs his cerebellum; he falls lifeless to the ground. Denver doesn’t need anything. I just felt like killing Dan and Reeser in a column.
So there you have it. Just remember the cardinal rule when reading any of my columns: 80% of the time I’m kidding and the other 20% just gets edited out in post.
Tune in next week when I announce the greatest MLL team ever – just in time for the All Star Game. That I’m not going to. Again.
(100% of the time I am also bitter.)
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