Freshman’s Midseason Power Rankings
By Dan Freshman
The two best things about summer? Major League Lacrosse and reality television.
I get paid to say that about the former. But the latter comes from the heart. Pure, unadulterated taste in awful television. Shame it all you want, but ask yourselves: what’s there better to do on a Saturday night this summer? Go to an MLL game? Oh. Didn’t think about that. Well, now this is awkward.
Still, even Warrior knows where the money’s at. They’ve launched their own pseudo contest and reality show a la “America’s Next Top Model”—except they’re searching for flow rather than eating disorders. The only problem? Connor Martin is no Tyra Banks. For one, he doesn’t look as good in lingerie.
I enjoy Martin’s cartoon character voice and crop of frizz chunky enough to rival Carrot Top. But where’s the homage to the flowfathers? Banks broke the mold for models. Likewise, WSFF needs its own originator.
Enter Tommy Kehoe.
I spoke to the founder of the “90% of Lax is in the Flow” Facebook Group this week and he demands his own rendition of Martin’s web show. The DIII Player of the Year and current Chicago Machine demands some appreciation as well. You know what to do, Warrior. You already pay for his stick and cleats. Don’t let this starlet run away to some lucrative Herbal Essences or Rogaine endorsement. Kehoe’s already touring much of the Eastern seaboard this summer—easy opportunity for him to scout out the next generation’s best quaffs.
Warrior’s predicament is an example of the second lesson of this column: it’s never too late to change things. Half of the 2009 MLL summer is over. Upsets have passed, lines have been drawn and a hairless middle aged man who goes by the name “Hustle” continues to hang out with little kids—again, which is where change comes in. Nevertheless, there’s still an all-star game to watch, a trade deadline to pass, playoffs to reach and oh, something like half a season to be played.
With all of that still to go, here’s how everyone stands.
1. Denver Outlaws
Record: 5-1
All-Stars: 8 (Brendan Mundorf, Brian Langtry, Kyle Harrison, Lee Zink, Drew Westervelt, Max Seibald, Matt Bocklet, Jesse Schwartzman)
Early surprise: The Denver attack. With the absence of Ryan Powell, Mundorf has emerged as one of the league’s elite attackmen from behind the cage, pushing the goal line and stretching defenses who like to focus on the Outlaws’ sharpshooting midfield. Only one attackman in the top 20 in goal scoring has a higher shooting percentage than Mundorf (50 percent)—and that’s teammate Matt Brown (54.2 percent). Mundorf has also gained the respect of fans as he betrayed the entire Aussie empire, switching from Team Australia in 2006 to Team USA in 2010. Meanwhile, Drew Westervelt (2nd in MLL in assists), deemed a “man-child who can shoot the crap out of the ball” by his coach, is my pick for the league’s Most Improved Player.
Reality TV Comparison: More to Love (FOX). “More to Love” is an upcoming Fox series where a fat man picks between a dozen or so fat women, much like the “Bachelor.” Similarly, Outlaws coach and general manager Brian Reese is a large man and has a penchant for picking between lots of large suitors. Reese was the most active man on draft day so he could haul in the jumbo likes of Max Seibald (6’1”, 200), Dan Hardy (6’4”, 214) and resident Kyle Devitte plus-size target Shane Walterhoefer (5’9”, 200), whom Quint Kessenich targeted “fitness” as an issue. Reese added these draftees to a starting lineup boasting big-and-tall stars Zink (6’4”, 195), Westervelt (6’4”, 205), Tom Ethington (6’3, 220), Josh Sims (6’2”, 205) and Jesse Schwartzman (6’0”, 220). Reese’s results after ordering off the Extra Value Meal Menu? The league’s best offense (14.5 goals per game), the league’s best defense (13.4 goals per game) and the league’s only undefeated road record. The downside? The league’s fewest team groundballs and lowest man-up percentage. Having a huge gut can obstruct you from seeing things on the ground.
Projected finish: 9-3.
2. Long Island Lizards
Record: 4-2
All-Stars: 6 (Stephen Berger, Chris Fiore, Nicky Polanco, Matt Danowski, Zack Greer, Ricky Pages)
Early surprise: Steve Panarelli. Panarelli’s had it rough lately. His senior year, Syracuse suffered its worst season in decades. And on top of that, Panarelli was snubbed as an All-American, for the first time at Syracuse, to end his college career. He was then drafted by the Machine, who had the league’s worst record. The following season, he played sparingly for the San Francisco Dragons, who finished with the league’s second-worst record. Now, he’s back home on the Island, surrounded by lacrosse’s best goalie and three all-star defensemen. And suddenly, he’s in the top five in groundballs among defensemen and has arguably been the most consistent defender on the Island this season. He was snubbed for an all-star selection, but I don’t think he minds.
Reality TV Comparison: The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo). I could have sworn some of the Liz’s defense were on this show. Spallina. Laurita. D’Agostino. Laurita-Manzo. Cocchi. Giudice. Trips to Atlantic City. Spa Parties. Beauty School. Breast Implant Shopping. Lots and lots of gelled hair. The Lizards are tied for the league’s worst offense (11.8 goals per game) but have the league’s second-best defense (14 goals per game). How do they stay afloat? Because they grind out every game—just like the housewives. The Lizards are the best one-goal team in the league (3-1), a testament to how tough they are to put away in fourth quarters. Their defense is physical, loud and filled with braggadocio—once again, just like the housewives. Simply said, the Lizards cause drama, play well in close games and have the best goalie in MLL history. Teams like that usually win a championship.
Projected finish: 8-4.
3. Toronto Nationals
Record: 4-2
All-Stars: 8 (Joe Walters, Brodie Merrill, Merrick Thompson, Jordan Levine, Jordan Hall, Joe Cinosky, Sid Smith, Brett Queener)
Early surprise: Levine. At first, Levine didn’t seem to belong up north. Why? Maybe because he’s a 5’8” Jewish kid with an English degree from Long Island. It’s almost like he and Zack Greer switched places—a potential reality show in itself. Regardless, the all-star has thrived away from the Strong Island, scoring two game-winners in six games while already surpassing his goal total last season. He’s the full-field spark of energy that the otherwise burly Nationals needed. And to think, Levine was traded for half a Coffee Crisp bar and a Canadian dollar.
Reality TV Comparison: The Bad Girls Club (Oxygen). The name speaks for itself. If you need further clarification, read the first line of the Wikipedia entry: “The show follows seven women with a number of mental, anger, personal and psychological problems - deemed ‘bad girls’ - as they live together for four months.” Toronto leads the league in penalty minutes with over 45. Geoff Snider got nine in one quarter. Long Island’s Brian Spallina, the player with the most penalty minutes in the league outside a Toronto uniform, has 7.5 all season. Toronto’s so troubled that they hired a therapist as an assistant coach. The Nationals have looked like the best team in the MLL at times, but in their two losses, they average nearly double digit penalty minutes but scored only single digit goals. Meanwhile, their four wins come from bottom dwellers Washington and Chicago. Halfway into the season, the Nationals have yet to beat a winning team, cut the goalie who had the league’s best save percentage and just went 0-9 on man-up last weekend. Boston will be a key test this week.
Projected finish: 7-5.
4. Boston Cannons
Record: 3-3
All-Stars: 6 (Ryan Boyle, Kyle Sweeney, Mike Levin, Greg Downing, Paul Rabil, Ray Megill)
Early Surprise: Levin. He’s singlehandedly made colored knee high sweatpants cool again (ever?). The man known as the Brown goalie before Jordan Burke held the league’s third-worst save percentage in 2008 (50.4), losing playing time to Brett Queener by the end of the season. Now, he boasts the league’s best (61.5) after strangling sole possession of the Cannons starting job three weeks into the season, over an incumbent goaltender. Levin’s yet to fall under 50 percent on saves in a single game. All he’s missing is some face time on the video blogs to get street cred. like Kip.
Reality TV Comparison: Kendra (E!). Playboy Bunny, Raul Pabil. The comparisons are endless. Pabil was hardly the centerpiece of the Cannons offense last season, until fans demanded more. Now, Raul leads the league in scoring, and as deep as the Cannons offense seems, Pabil seems to be on a separate playing field. Of his team-leading 14 goals this season, only 2 have come assisted. He’s also taken 13 more shots than the next highest Cannon. In the same context, Kendra Wilkinson was merely one of three platinum blondes on Hugh Hefner’s arms until she went rogue and shattered E! ratings records with her premiere. On the whole, the Cannons have the league’s second best offense (14.3 goals per game), the league’s second-best defense (14 goals per game) and may very well have the league’s best faceoff specialist, after Chris Eck handed Alex Smith his worst outing at midfield in two years. Thursday will be the Cannons’ biggest game of the season—only to follow a rough schedule the rest of the season.
Projected finish: 6-6.
5. Chicago Machine
Record: 1-5
All-Stars: 5 (Matt Striebel, Anthony Kelly, DJ Driscoll, Mike “Gable,” Kenny Nims)
Early surprise: The Chicago attack. The Machine were possibly the only team entering the 2009 draft that explicitly didn’t need midfielders (more on that below). Midfielders like Matt Striebel, Chris Rotelli, Steven Brooks were supposed to run the show. Instead, the Machine attack has been the only solid fixture in the Machine lineup this season. The Leveille brothers have been matching each other for points game after game, while Kenny Nims has jumped in as a solid third option.
Reality TV Comparison: I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! (NBC). This comparison comes in honor of imprisoned Beastman Greg Gurenlian. The Machine were the thinnest remaining team after contraction, but were handed all-stars like Striebel, Rotelli, Greg Bice, DJ Driscoll, Chazz Woodson and Anthony Kelly, in addition to owning the first overall pick in the draft. Still, they wanted more—because every team needs to stockpile FOGOs, right? Long story short, Gurenlian didn’t report, blog wars raged and nobody’s happy. In the same vein, superstar tools Spencer and Heidi Pratt had their own tiff with NBC executives. It proves that it’s a hard sell to play in Chicago, where 14 of the 19 suited players fly in for home games. Still, excluding a blowout in Boston, the Machine have played tight with every team thus far, even knocking off XL top dog Denver, keeping them just outside the cellar.
Projected finish: 4-8.
6. Washington Bayhawks
Record: 1-5
All-Stars: 4 (Spencer Ford, Kyle Dixon, Kevin Huntley, Alex Smith).
Early Surprise: PT Ricci. You can say Bayhawks coach John Tucker made a gutsy call when he dealt Kyle Sweeney to start the season. You can then say Tucker’s trade backfired in his face now that Sweeney has the best shot of stealing Merrill’s Defensive Player of the Year Award. Luckily, Tucker dug out a bona fide long stick midfielder in the second round of a weak MLL draft. Tucker has so much faith in Ricci that he dumped Kyle Hartzell, who used to start in front of Ricci.
Reality TV Comparison: The Cougar (TV Land). The Cougar follows a middle-aged woman as she searches for a young man; the Bayhawks are cripplingly old and are trying to get younger. Until this year’s huge draft class, the Bayhawks didn’t have a single first-round draft pick in two years. The last time the Bayhawks had a first-round pick, only two players they drafted that year remain in the league. Now, they front a rotation featuring Ford (33 years old), Buggs Combs (31), Scott Urick (31) and Shawn Nadelen (30). Ford’s still the best passer in lacrosse, and I enjoyed all of his stints on video blogs. But I saw a post on a message board titled “Spencer Ford – Slowest attackman in history?” (Ouch. Don’t worry man; you can still beat me in a sprint.) Regardless, whatever lineup Tucker tries, the Bayhawks are struggling to keep up. Behind the league’s worst defense, they’ve been outscored by 22 goals in six games this season. The fastest player on this team might be Alex Smith’s ice cream scooping hands.
Projected finish: 2-10
Check out my video power rankings this week, as Kyle Devitte and I debate these picks as well as midseason awards.
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