Freshman’s Team USA Preview
The bad guy always wears red.
The British. The Confederates. The Nazis. The Soviets. China. Most recently, Ivan Drago.
And now, America’s latest enemy is a ginger.
Like Drago, this American enemy is over 6’4” and hails from the frigid outskirts of nowhere. His grimace says “I must break you.” And last time we saw him, he killed America’s biggest star, face-planting him to the ground on one fell swing—and now said star is nowhere to be seen, outside bobbleheads and outdated Dunkin Donut ads.
Since then, the enemy has dominated what was thought to be America’s sport. Many think he is unstoppable, especially now that he has relocated to his homeland for good. And like last time, America has turned to an out of shape dude from Philly.
All the moves are the same. Once again, an American is training in the enemy’s homeland, acclimating to the weather, the mentality and the smell of feet. Once again, America’s greatest athlete in the sport wears red, white and blue shorts. And once again, the team is managed by a guy nicknamed Duke.
All they need now is a few hilariously bad training montages and a freeze frame to end their story.
The 2010 Team USA won’t be the best American team to ever take the field. In 2006, nearly half of the 23 man roster had national team experience. Of the 40 developmental players selected last week, only eight do—and all eight certainly won’t make the final cut. Another eight ride the bench on MLL rosters or aren’t even playing pro this summer. But that was never the goal of this team.
This team is designed to beat Canada.
Projected starting attack:
Ryan Boyle, Boston Cannons. Just two weeks ago, the Lizards architected the way to beat Team Canada: fast breaks, aggressive inside scoring and expensive (but nauseating) “Goodfellas” cologne. So save the cologne, the secret is to push the Canadians’ game—which came easy with Canada’s best taken captive, one Zack Greer. Boyle loves the fast break, has extensive indoor experience and can go toe-to-toe with just about any hockey player in a fistfight. After spending years in the slums of Philly, Boyle has traded in his popped pastel Princeton collar for cheez wiz and the lack of a razor. He’s also not afraid to knock out practice squad FOGOs over debates on the NBA—which makes him a favorite of mine. And regardless of intangibles, Boyle is the best pure feeder and quarterback in the league, bar none. Boyle leads all active players in assists, while his near-50 points per season also are tops for any player in the league. The fact that Boyle can create an offense in the indoor or outdoor game will pay way more than a Canadian dollar.
Ryan Powell, Team I’m Afraid of Brian Reese. Powell could pass as a Canadian if you didn’t know him. He’s big. He’s bearded. He plays with his back to the net. He speaks awkwardly slow. Powell, like Boyle, has considerable indoor experience and would trump Boyle in every major statistical category had he played this year. Powell’s biggest asset will be inside dodging and wing play, two staples of the average Canuck. His production in the MLL slipped in the last three seasons—he averaged nearly 60 points a game in the years beforehand—but he won’t be the primary catalyst on offense anyway. His dodging on the wings should open up the top and middle of the field, which is where Greer and the Lizards destroyed the JV Canadian National Team.
Matt Danowski, Long Island Lizards; Kevin Leveille, Chicago Machine. It’s no secret that USA Coach Mike Pressler loves his boys. Out of his 40-man national team, Duke leads all colleges with six representatives. Selections like Matt Zash, Ned Crotty, Parker McKee and Nick O’Hara are questionable at best. Yes, we heard Mike: you got screwed, you have vengeance, you have ESP with all of your players. Maybe you deserve to be a homer with the 40-man team, but let’s not go too far and start your teacher’s pet Danowski on the most important Team USA squad in years. Danowski would open the field a bit on attack as a longer range shooting threat, and he would complete the attack with 3 capable feeders all on one line. Still, Danowski’s 12.8 shooting percentage is the worst of any player with 3 or more goals in the league. Defenseman Brodie Merrill’s shooting percentage is nearly three times higher. Chris Eck’s a FOGO and he’s over three times a better shooter. LSM Jake Deane’s is nearly four times better. And considering how much he loves the two-point shot this season, he’s yet to score one. Meanwhile, Leveille is quietly the best inside scorer in the league, and has been good for an average of well over 30 goals a season for six years. Adding Leveille to the attack trio would balance the line with a feeder, a dodger and a finisher. Pressler should move on and do what’s right.
Projected Starting Midfield
Paul Rabil, Boston Cannons. Who else did you expect me to pick? If Pressler’s a Duke homer I’m a Rabil devotee. Jay Jalbert was Team USA’s best midfielder in 2006, scoring five goals, including a game winner, against Canada in two appearances. Rabil compares well with Jalbert’s aggressive dodging and shooting. And like every other played mentioned thus far, Rabil has respectable indoor experience, landing on the NLL All-Rookie Team in 2009. He’ll have the best shot going toe-to-toe with Merrill, where Rabil virtually matches him in size and athleticism. As long as Pauly Rabes doesn’t fall into tempting triple teams (because dodging through three guys is so much cooler looking than just one), Rabil should be the centerpiece to the USA midfield.
Stephen Berger, Long Island Lizards. Berger was also instrumental in Long Island’s big win just weeks ago, tallying four points. He instigated the fast break with his lightning legs and shouts of “Bro” and “Brah.” If you haven’t noticed yet, Team USA should turn up as a phenomenal fast break team, pushing the ball to keep it away from 6v6 lacrosse, something the Canadians are a bit accustomed to. Berger should be solid, bro, as long as he has a fresh gamer spoon—because as we saw last year, that can lead to problems. Got a problem Berger bro? Let me string your stick. Or talk to your sister.
Joe Walters, Northwest Territories. Oh, shoeless Joe. Don’t think Devitte has forgotten about you—he still threatens you in every video blog. The interns just keep cutting it out and dubbing over Godsmack singles. Then again, you sort of shut him up when you won MLL Championship Game MVP. And then when you scored five goals in a televised game. And then when you followed that up with six goals. The fact is, Joe, you’ve evolved. You lead all midfielders in goals this season. By fraternizing with the enemy, you learned how to slash from the wings and stick the ball inside. You’re like five times faster now than you were in college. On the other hand, your flow is horrendous, given that you’re bald and all. But I don’t think Canadians care about flow anyway. Walters might be the key to Team USA’s success, having slept with the enemy for seasons now, working out in some abandoned barn, lifting cattle equipment and doing sit-ups on hay. Wait, that wasn’t you? Still, you complete the starting Team USA midfield with an unreal trio of athleticism, shooting and dodging.
Projected Starting Defense
Nicky Polanco, Long Island Lizards; Lee Zink, Denver Outlaws; Jack Reid, Boston Cannons. The only thing scarier than a Canadian is a large Italian with an open collar and a pinstripe Armani suit. Polanco is a pure takeaway defender. Put two reliable wingmen with him, and let the Stromboli pound away ball handlers into veal. If Geoff Snider wants to play rough, Polanco will drop the gloves. Zink is quietly one of the most consistent defenders in the game. He’ll provide the slides once Polanco gets too trigger happy. Reid, like the attack and midfield, has extensive indoor experience and should fit in as an enforcer. Expect him to cycle in with quality cover defender like Ryan McClay or Eric Martin
Projected Long Stick Midfield
Kyle Sweeney, Boston Cannons. Sweeney breaks all rules of flow. He wore number 58, then 77. His jersey looks way too big for him. It still doesn’t have his name embroidered on it. I see no lettuce coming out of the bucket. But he’s still the best long stick midfielder in the game. He leads all longpoles in goals and is second in ground balls. His resurgence in Boston makes John Tucker’s trade one of the worst ever in MLL history. If PT Ricci hadn’t fallen into Washington’s hands, then it would have been the worst, by far.
Projected Faceoff
Alex Smith, Washington Bayhawks. Who else? Geoff Snider won ILF MVP in 2006 because he manhandled every single draw en route to Canada’s dastardly finish for gold. Three years later, Smith owns Snider, and just about every FOGO in the league. Snider would be lucky to win even 40 percent of draws next summer. Haagen Daz or not, Smith won two-thirds of draws against his former arch nemesis. Snider will need to break Smith’s wrists (or better yet, his two fingers) to have any chance against the FOGO world’s golden boy.
Projected Goaltender
Brian Dougherty, Long Island Lizards. Our savior is overweight and bald. Hmm. Dougherty won gold in 2002 for Team USA, only to be followed by the mediocrity of Chris Garrity and Trevor Tierney in 2006. Dougherty also posted 16 saves on only 9 goals allowed against Team-Canada-in-blue this season. Like him or not, he smells just as bad as the Northerners do, which is good enough to challenge them. Kicked out of Philly, Doc’s making a comeback, which apparently is the recipe for America to do the unthinkable.
There’s the roster. All of the hard work is done. Now, all Coach Pressler needs to do is memorize this line:
“You’re gonna have to go through hell, worse than any nightmare you’ve ever dreamed. But in the end, I know you’ll be the one standing.”
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