Dan Freshman’s 2010 Draft Sneak Peak
I’m sorry.
Hustle Simmons: who do you think you are?
Again, I’m so sorry. This just had to be done.
Please tell me what you’re on, so I can stay the Chris Eck away from it. 94.5 is a fine radio station, but what in the name of Julie Wetherbee brings YOU to be the voice of the Cannons? And evidently, I’m not the only one.
Cannons on the road this year: 1-0. Undefeated.
Cannons watching “Hustle” scar a bunch of prepubescents: 0-2. Winless. That’s what we call statistically significant.
Yes Hustle, you’re a flow killer. That’s what happens when you’re bald and wear a jersey with DECIMAL POINTS on it. Seriously, since when was that allowed, ever? Why do you get a free jersey and spit upon it by implementing fractions? Why do you get free stuff and I don’t?
Go grow the lettuce out, lose the creepy goatee, throw on some turf dogs, mid-calves, some nice shorts, a lax pinnie, and then maybe we’ll accept you. Otherwise, stick to hosting Roller World Dance Jams for Wouburn High School students. Sick gigs.
Hustle, you’ve officially been burned. Welcome to the pros.
Hustle’s fat beats have even led me to already look ahead to next year’s MLL draft, after Bill Daye and crew last week failed to draft a new host or swing a deal to get Ms. Wetherbee back. So here’s who to look for:
10. Kyle Wimer, Midfield, UMBC. If you thought this year’s draft class was weak, just wait until next year’s. Usually teams won’t spend a top ten draft pick on a player who spent his junior year as the third scoring option on his own midfield line. But fortunately, Wimer is riding three league trends that’ll help his stock; he’s a middie who can pass, he’s from UMBC and he got the Quint bump for next season. Drew Westervelt, Terry Kimener and Peet Poo-yon all drafted high the last two years, putting ‘BC on the verge of becoming a Quint Kessenich trademarked “hotbed” for “do-it-all” midfielders—you know, the ones that Toronto kept not drafting. Next year, it’s Wimer’s show, as long as he subscribes to the Greg Gurenlian school of protein.
9. Justin Pennington, Midfield, Rutgers. Here’s someone who doesn’t need any more protein. He has no neck! Other famous people with no necks: here, here and here. Here’s what’s going to happen: media will get wind of the fact that Pennington led Rutgers in scoring, assists, ground balls and face-off percentage. They’ll see that he put up multiple-point games against tournament teams like Villanova (2 goals, 1 assist), UMBC (0, 3), Princeton (1,1) and UMass (1,2). They’ll then realize that Pennington is a linebacker with a lacrosse stick, praise his “intangibles”—and once someone drops the i-word on Pennington, his stock will have a Matt Abbott-esque rise, to the point he becomes overrated. Maybe he’ll even get a nickname like “Jack of all trades,” which will get milked to death any time he’s on TV. Then I’ll hate the fact that I brought up Pennington in the first place.
8. Diogo Godoi, Defense, UMass. Godoi scares me. He’s big, he’s fast, he hurts people and I can’t pronounce his name. And he’s from the ‘Shire, which means he probably has a tractor. If he has a tractor, he can use it to kill me. Oh, and he’s like 30 because he took a post-grad year and redshirted on top of it. I haven’t been as scared of someone since Nicky Polanco killed an intern. All Godoi needs is some highlight reel clips to get some media hype—maybe a YouTube clip of him impaling someone from Syracuse.
7. Chris Boland, Attack, Johns Hopkins. Boland is that kid who snuck up behind you in grade school, planted you flat on your face and then pointed and laughed right afterwards. Boland’s not big, not physical, but he’s the prototypical bully on the field. He embarrasses defenses. He always finds a way to sneak by defenders and stick shots before goalies even know what’s going on. He’s going to have a great career being the villain for some team, the kind that steals from youth players and pillages families. In the MLL, that mean’s he’s quick, smart and resourceful. A few more pounds and he’s the new Kevin Leveille, Buggs Combs, Seth Goldberg or any other dirty garbage attackman.
6. Brian Carroll, Midfield, Virginia. If Brian Christopher can get drafted in the second round, the real “Big Shot/Beefcake Brian” should fare much better. Shamel Bratton may have stolen his thunder on the Virginia midfield this season, but Carroll is a pure shooter with beefcake size and a freakishly fast trigger. His sophomore year, Carroll led Virginia in shooting percentage (38.4 percent)—as a time and room shooter. Let’s put that in perspective: Carroll was a more accurate shooter than Danny Glading Garrett Billings and Ben Rubeor, all MLL draftees, who took all of their shots from five yards away. Carroll will tear up the two-point arc, guaranteed. Think Mark Frye or Roy Colsey.
5. Scott Rodgers, Goalie, Notre Dame. One coach told me before the draft that they thought Rodgers was hands-down better than any goalie in the 2009 draft, against the likes of 2006 NCAA Tournament Hero Doc Schneider and Jordan “The Next Coming of Cattrano” Burke. In 2010, Rodgers has to compete with…a kid from Siena. Teams will need to grab Rodgers fast if they want a goalie. He’s a hefty target (6’4, 254) on track to become the next Brian Dougherty, bald man’s scowl and all.
4. Michael Kimmel, Midfield, Johns Hopkins. Most stressful jobs in America: firefighter, ER doctor, MLL intern and Hopkins midfielder. Kimmel is the latest chosen one in the line of great Hopkins middies—Rabil, Harrison, Haugen, Dressel, etc. In other words, his life sucks. Imagine the unsettling feeling of a short-fused, sleep deprived, spine snapping Dave Pietramala breathing down the nape of your neck for nine months of the year. Somehow, Kimmel has emerged with balanced skills, smarts and vision for a midfielder—all while having a target on his back ever since Pauly Rabes left Homewood. As long as he remembers to push his chair in without Coach Petro telling him to, he’ll make it out alive.
3. Parker McKee, Defense, Duke. This is a great year for defensemen, a weaker year for attackmen. McKee will be a star longstick midfielder for virtually any team—which most lack at the moment. McKee will be one of the first draftees to make the mold for the prototypical pro LSM. He plays with a little person’s fervor, but has great size and an even better handle. Plus, his dad’s name is Rusty, so if Parker knows what’s best, he’ll change his name to Rusty McKee Junior. Imagine Kyle Sweeney with a sicker name and slightly weaker cover skills.
2. Ken Clausen, Defense, Virginia. Clausen will probably be the only player in the 2010 draft with three first team All-American awards by the time he graduates. He has the full pedigree to help a sad team that has yet to acquire three bona fide all-star defenders, regardless of contraction. Plus, to aid the recession, Clausen can save team expenses by singing the national anthem before games and holding halftime concerts with the rest of the American Idol crew (similarity? Here and here. I think not.) For now on, Clausen will be called Bo Clausen and should be required to sing “Inside Your Heaven” with Adam Lambert at the next draft combine.
1. Ned Crotty, Attack, Duke. The top pick in the draft, hands down. Crotty can play two positions and completed the unenviable task of making a 5’8 bakery store proprietor a legitimate finisher and two raw underclassmen attackmen competent scorers. Crotty has shown he can produce as a role player, as a feeder, as a playmaker and most importantly, against physical defenses. Crotchy (name intended) put up 8 points apiece in the two games against Virginia’s “hurt first, slide later” defense. Countless pundits inside and outside of the league compared Glading to Conor Gill, but Crotty is an even closer comparison. Glading produces strictly behind the cage and creates situations along goal line extended, only passing to prey on broken defense. Crotty can play all spots of the field and has a better pass-first mentality.
Other possible picks:
Cody Jamieson, Attack, Syracuse. I learned a lot about Cody on Memorial Day Weekend. For one, he enjoys staring at ceilings. He’s BFF with Sid Smith. And in the easily the greatest moment of his lacrosse career, he didn’t remember it. Still, he’s one of those nifty inside box scorers that will inevitably end up playing for Toronto. No need to waste a higher pick on him, given his size and raw skill set so late in his career.
Austin Winter, Attack, Bucknell. Winter has already become a trendy pick for next year by a lot of self-proclaimed lacrosse pundits. He’s a big, physical feeder that has an entire offense built around him. Imagine John Grant Jr.’s frame and penchant for passing but with…far less skill. A team like Toronto may be compelled to pick a kid like Winter, so they can dress him up in a number 24 jersey and fool teams into thinking Junior has Hayden Panettiere-level healing skills. Yes, Winter is the key to “Save the cheerleader, save the world.”
Max Quinzani, Attack, Duke. Since Crotty will be returning for a fifth year, we’ll never see how Quinzani could live as a ball handler for Duke, despite his several hundred or so assists in high school. As big of a name Quinzani is, he’s still a 5’8 attackman who was strictly a finisher all of college. If he can swing a deal to cater Quinzani hoagies in the Harvard Stadium press box, I’ll jump on board with him.
Michael Gvozden, Goalie, Johns Hopkins. I tried really hard to like Gvozden. I really did. I still like him as a person. I think he’s the kind of kid who would help an old lady cross the street just because it’s the right thing to do. Plus, he’s going to have Pietramala’s voices stuck in his head for the rest of his life. I just can’t imagine this kid getting 60 shots hurled at him on a daily basis, without him breaking down on the field into the fetal position. When Gvozden is on, he’s as good as any goalie in lacrosse. But when it’s bad, it’s a nightmare for Sunshine.
Stephen Boyle, Attack, Johns Hopkins. Some team should be brave enough to reunite ‘Shire-trucking brothers Brian and Stephen on the same attack line someday. Otherwise, Boyle will need an outstanding senior year to secure a career any further. He’s smart and crafty, but not as athletic or dominating as some teams would like.
Will Yeatman, Attack, Maryland. Remember this guy? Yeatman’s big and scary but failed to score a goal the last six weeks of the season, injuries and all. He’s a project.
Sean Delaney and Gavin Petracca, North Carolina. Billy Bitter is the biggest marked man in NCAA lacrosse next year, which means Delaney and Petracca can nail some serious facetime and maybe land a gig in the MLL.
Curtis Dickson, Attack, Delaware. Big. Canadian. Ginger. Dickson may be a welcome addition to the MLL All-Ginger Team in the near future.
Julie Wetherbee, Host, Dirty Water TV. BRING HER BACK. That is all.
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