Draft Preview?

 

It’s time for a draft preview already? Come on man, I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet…hold on a second my phone is ringing -

 

No, man they don’t give me anything. I don’t even get a jacket. Yeah, they’re brutal. They don’t even let me into the office anymore. I know, right? Cool, see you out there.

 

Sorry, that was the President of my fan club. We’re pushing 35 people now. It’s roughly the same people that follow me on Twitter (www.twitter.com/kdevitte). Unfortunately, we had to cut back about 20% of the members and strip down to 6 teams – oh wait, that wasn’t me…

 

I can’t believe they brought me back, either. I’m such an ass.

 

This isn’t even fair. Why am I doing a preview for draft where like eight guys are EVER going to play? Everyone knows that all I’m good at is picking sleepers – there are no sleepers in a six-team league and a five round draft. We’ll save that for the video, I suppose.  

 

 

 

 

What does each team need? 

 

Boston: Unselfish players, Face-off guy. Another season of watching Boston Face-off guys get worked. I don’t need it. You don’t need it. BD certainly doesn’t need it. Watching Chris “What the H” Eck try ad get lower than Pete Vlahakis all game long last week, it occurred to me that any face-off guy that adjusts to his opponents move isn’t going to be very successful. That’s like changing up the game you spit because the chick has red hair. Gingers are people too, you dirty…Gingist. Look, everyone knows that the best FO guy in the draft is Shane Walterhoefer. Actually he’s the best two guys, because he ate the other one. Seriously, this guy could eat Brian Doc-erty under the table. But hey, you don’t need to be an athlete to play goalie or Face off. The Cannons also need to address their stunning lack of cohesion in the midfield by playing three guys that maybe, I don’t know, LIKE TO PASS THE BALL. The chemistry is off and I don’t know if Boyle is the answer. 

 

Best guys to pick: Shane Walterhoefer UNC, FO, Dan Hardy ‘Cuse, M/A, Matt Abbott ‘Cuse, M, Pete Poillon UMBC, M.

 

Long Island: Offense/Shooters. Speed. Dieticians. I’ve seen two Lizards games and it seems like they enjoy keeping the game close. They dominate the play when they’re down and then just give it away when they’re up. It must be maddening for good old Jimmy Mules. Hey Jim, every time I see that McDonald commercial with the lattes and people pronouncing the “e” at the end of everything I keep expecting to see you in the back of the bus screaming “It’s Mewwww-Laaayyy! Damn you!” I feel your pain buddy; nobody has ever said my name right ether. But seriously, Jim, while you’re here how about you sit captain crybaby Matt Danowski? How many BAD shots does a dude have to take before you sit him? Draft a shooter or three. Maybe a guy with speed to put on your wings to help Zash and make Vlahk happy. Oh, and the dieticians are because the Lizards, collectively, have more man boobs than a Baldwin Family Reunion:

 

 

Picks: Ben Hunt UNC, M, P.T Ricci Loyola, M, Matt Abbott ‘Cuse, M [everyone wants Abbott. It’s sickening].

 

Washington: Physical Poles. Losing Sweeney to the Cannons means that Washington needs another pole. Hey, did you guys know that the MLL has LSM’s now? You’d never know it by how fast the game play has been so far – with the exception of the Cannons/Lizards game, which made me want to claw my eyes out with a broken bottle of bud light – The official beer sponsor of Major League Lacrosse. Washington has a few options as far as poles go. They can go big – Mike Timms is roughly seven feet tall and can bench Manhattan, or they can go angry – Sid Smith had to change his number because he realized he can’t flaunt how many arms he has broken with a mere number.   

 

Choices: Mike Timms UVA, LSM, Sid Smith ‘Cuse, D, Matt Moyer Cornell, D.

 

Chicago: Defense. Back up goalie. Better Uniforms. All they need is Jordan Burke and any D man that is left. I cannot believe how complete this team is. Watch them play if you get a chance. I don’t think that win over Denver was a fluke…no way this team is the loser of the league again. There’s just no way.

 

Dude Bros: Jordan Burke Brown, G, Doc Schneider UMass, G, Seriously ANY D guy that can run a 3.4 fetch water.

 

Denver: A face-off guy. An offensive star. The battle for Walterhoefer shall rage between Reeser and BD, but I think Boston needs him more. Apparently the reason Geoff Snider was sent north was because Mr. Lou Braun has smoking him in mini-camp. I don’t believe it, but that’s what I hear. And they need someone to replace that guy that left that time because he had to do that thing and get paid that amount of money. You know. THAT guy. The only real star in this draft is Seibald. And maybe Danny Glading. And my ONE sleeper pick that I refuse to share with you.

 

Picks: Shane Walterhoefer, UNC, FO, Max Seibald Cornell, M, Danny Glading UVA, A, Garrett Billings UVA, A, Zach Greer Bryant, A.

 

Toronto: Americans. Paul Gait. I love watching Canadians score goals. I do. It’s just so painful to watch them play defense it’s unbelievable.  Penalty after penalty after penalty. You guys need some American muscle to help you out with the transition. And Paul, don’t let Gary play alone. Brothers don’t let brothers dangle solo…that came out wrong.

 

Selections: Mike Timms UVA, LSM, Matt Moyer Cornell, D, Michael Evans, Hopkins, D (What? He can help coach on the sidelines or get a bionic knee. We can rebuild him!)

 

Oh, and thanks for reading guys. It’s great to be back.