There’s no Internet.  I am Kyle’s complete lack of surprise.  This blog isn’t live so much as spellchecked and redone.  No one edits my articles anyway, so it’s really not going to be that different.  Sorry to disappoint you.

 

The cheerleaders look more excited to be here than the Barrage.  Or maybe the Barrage are just more focused.  I can’t really tell since I’m six floors up in this death trap of a press box.  A strong gust of wind and I’m going to end up on the Mass Pike.  I’ll take an intern with me though; I’m not going down alone.

 

I cramped up during the longest national anthem in the history of spectator sports.  I think they’re trying to delay the game so more people can get into the stands.  There are a lot of empty seats out there and a lot of sweaty dudes in suits and polos on the sidelines.

 

I just realized that I could do this blog from home.  In Air conditioning.  With a beer.  On a couch. 

 

Why do no defenders in this league know that Joe Walters only goes to his left?  Honestly it’s embarrassing.  Corno is trying to jam and go early on Smith.  Guys have been trying that all year – doesn’t work, bro.  I say stand up, catch his helmet and throw your wing guys to the backside. 

 

I expected this game to be choppy, but this is just messy.  The Barrage try to run a modified mambo with picks in a diamond and they get called for an illegal screen.  Boyle’s the type of attackman that can run that kind of offense, but if no one cuts properly it’s rather worthless. 

 

Eight minutes in and we have our first chippy exchange on a loose ball near the sideline.  That’s more like it.  You know I think they should allow one fight per game.  Just one.  I think that it would take away the goonery a little bit; the testosterone would have a place to go.  You could kick the two guys out afterwards.  Think it over. 

 

The Ratts score shorthanded off of a poor shot from the Barrage and I can only silently chuckle to myself.  Hey, who did you pick in this match up?  Too bad there’s no betting line on this game.  It might be the only way I could make money in this league.  I should start a business handicapping MLL games.  Every game would be -2 or +2 except against the Dragons.  Then it would be -7 or +7.  Why am I writing?  I could be raking in cash instead.  God, I hate my life.

 

BY PAUL RABIL’S PRE-PUBESCENT BEARD! THE JUMBO TRON WORKS!  WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? 

 

Rochester’s penalty happy defense is letting the Gar-bage keep themselves in the game.  It takes Junior twelve minutes to get involved in the game, but his diving effort is pretty like street legal Olympic gymnasts.  

 

I love when they call illegal sticks in the MLL.  It’s like calling traveling in the NBA.  Everyone does it but when they get call ed for it they act all surprised and indignant.   

 

By the way, Chandler - your suit is horrendous. 

 

I swear, if Corno tries to jam Smith again and bitches about it I’ll have a sniper take him out.

 

Boyle gets de-twigged and cries.  He’s a bit of a crier.  It results in a goal by Jordan Hall, who has found a great home with his fellow Canucks on the Ratts.  Good for him.

 

Boyle turns the ball over again; he's had a rough season.  Must be the patchouli.  Wash your pads bro, it helps hide the smell.

 

WHY DOES EVERYONE LET WALTERS GO LEFT?  WHY?  ANSWER ME!

 

Oh, look at the smug LaxUnited interns hanging out by the sailors next to the Rattlers bench.  Haven’t you guys gotten enough glory running LaxUnited by yourselves?  Startruckers.

 

By the way, the Internet works now, but it doesn’t matter because no one knows how to log onto the live feed except the Baby-faced-assassin and he’s on the field impersonating a poorly upholstered love seat wearing a tie.

 

I guess the bitching helped.  Two refs on the face and they call Smith for going early.  Way to set an example.  Cry enough and the refs will help you out.  I weep for the youth of America.

 

My colleague Dan Freshman has informed me via text that Quint and Joe and yelling at people in the truck and telling them to shut up on the 360 feed.  I wish I was miked up.  Then I wouldn’t have to sit here and opine I could just talk and not be a dick to technicians.  I like those guys better than the league personnel.  Probably because they actually talk to me.

 

So the chances of you even seeing this the day it’s written?  Slim and zero.  *Sigh*.

It’s halftime.  I might go home.  I’m undecided.  I just ratted out Freshman on the 360 feed, so I apologize to those who were enjoying the tirades of dudes that wear make up.  Might want to cut down on the foundation guys.  A more natural colour on the guyliner wouldn’t hurt either. 

 

Queener is warming up.  And by warming up I mean dancing as he throws outlets.  Guy needs to get more face time.  Or dance time.

 

Alex Smith starts off the second half with a 20mph cannon to Doc’s legs.  I don’t think Doc’s going to make the next save.  He’s laughing too hard.  Prophetic, Powell emerges from an orange shroud and scores.  Queener did indeed start the second half in goal for the Ratts.  I hope he dances after a save.  Just so a Barrage attackman can charge him and reenact the scene from “They Live” with Rowdy Roddy Piper on an MLL field.

 

 

(You’re welcome)

 

MLL Stat King Eric Rhew has informed me that Joe Walters has 21 points (15 goals, 6 assists) against the Barrage in the five times that he has faced them.  I’m telling you MLL players, the best thing you can do is get into a feud with me.  Extra motivation and free ink – what’s not to love?

 

Wow.  Cassesse gets a two pointer that bounces in off of Queener’s stick to halt Roch’s momentum.  This one was a real shot, not a hidden ball trick like his last two pointer.  13-12 with nine minutes to go in the third. 

 

Just a heads up, there’s some creepy guy with a Riptide polo skulking around the press box and he’s giving me the willies.  He just passed by me again and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.  Is there an ID check for the passes?  There should be.  I’m moving my stuff, hold on a second.

 

What did I miss?  Three goal Rattler's run is what I missed.  If you had this guy pacing behind you, you would have left altogether.  I’ll take the three goal run over a knife in the back.

 

The match up to watch was supposed to be Grant vs. Spallina, but they haven’t gone at each other that much.  The Barrage are throwing slides from the middle and the top on Junior once he breaks the plane.  It has severely hampered his one on one opportunities.  A mini-scrum mars the end of the third as Grant’s had enough of the doubling.  Spallina’s had enough of being twisted around by Grant’s one-handed fakes and hair pulling.  Gavin Prout gets in on it because, well he has to get in on something I suppose.  Lot’s of playground “Hit me first, Dude!” talk going on down there.  Sooooo tough.

 

I have to ask – why wouldn’t you pole Walters at this point?  He's tearing apart the shorties.  Switch off from Zywicki and make sure he stays wide.  Do something – adjust anything. 

 

The Barrage have made a change – they’re finally attacking Roch’s D middies from the top and the wings and it leads to a goal from Colsey.  Queener’s weakness is hard screened shots from the outside.  It might be too late for the Barrage to capitalize on it though.  Nine minutes left and two goals down – they still need to adjust on defense.

 

Queener lets in another shot without even moving.  Might be time to go back to Levin.  Queener’s feet have gotten the ball up the field, but he hasn’t made the saves he needs to in the past few minutes.

 

Reid has had a great game.  He’s matched Boyle move for move and been the difference in the middle by getting a stick on any Barrage player that drives near the net.

 

Frantic action on both ends as we enter the final three minutes.  This is clutch time, who's stepping up, who's wilting?

 

Colsey answers me on cue and takes his man for the first time in the game by sticking it stick side on Queener.  This is beginning to approach Grady Little/Pedro Martinez eighth inning status. 

 

Wow, what a boner by Boyle.  The ball checked from Boyle’s stick almost rolled into the goal because Queener wasn’t there, but the Roch poles dove into the net to stop the ball.  It would have been the worst goal in MLL history if it went in 

 

On the restart Prout gets decked in the head at the midline, but there’s no call.  This is the MLL, son. 

 

15-15.  The Rattler’s can’t seem to get the shot they want and their possession ends with a Walter’s dive shot.  I simultaneously laugh and die on the inside.  What is stronger – my hate for the Barrage or Joe Walters?  I really don’t know.  I just don’t know.

 

19 seconds, Barrage ball.  It’s going to be an attack from the top, either Streibel or Colsey.  Probably a draw from the wing and a dump to the opposite topside.  We’ll see.

 

Oh my god…if Prossner scores I’ll kill myself…

 

*winces*…

 

Schiller’s shot is horrible in transition and we’re going to overtime.  So selfish.

 

I just talked to stat master debater Eric Rhew during the break and I swear on my mother’s life that I predicted a Casey Powell goal from the wing.  Rhew dog will testify on my behalf.  We double hig- fived and everything.  Good for you Case. 

 

Powell sticks a shoulder bouncer on a stunned Doc and that’s all I wrote. 

 

Game over, Rochester's first playoff win is a sweet one.