CALIFORNICATION - By: Kyle Devitte
I don’t watch a lot of Television. Like many interweb nerds I have switched over to downloading shows that I want to watch. I don’t do it legally and I could care less. Why am I confessing potential felonies in an article to be read by literally dozens of people? Wait I just answered my own rhetorical question there. Hurm. Well, if I hadn’t converted to being a download monkey I would have missed a great little show called “Californication”. Those of you that have seen the show may wonder why I am referencing such a debaucherous piece of filth. You, sir(s), are [a] mor(m)on(s).
I’m stealing something from the show and being up front about it. Occasionally I like to shift credit to other sources to prevent embarrassment or to appear gracious. In the show, there is a website that the main character works for called “Hell-A”. I’m sure that term has been used somewhere else before, but I’ve never heard it before. And yes, you just read two paragraphs about the origin of “Hell-A”; a term that I will likely use 3-4 times in this article.
Don’t you hate when I do that?
Enough trickery. As promised I will continue what has become a series of articles on why people should root for a playoff team. Frankly, I can’t believe I got through the Rochester one last week, and I am dreading the drafting of the Barrage article in the future. For now, we focus on a team of mystery. Half of the team is composed of current and former lacrosse superstars; the other half consists of cast-offs and practice heroes. In that way, “Hell-A” is much like the city it hails from. Just like the city if angels, the haves and the have-nots live in twisted disharmony on the Riptide. Don’t believe me?
SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER, SHUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!
You’ve got aging superstars: Hubbard, Watson, Jarboe and Riordan. New School lax dynamos: Harrison and Da Chazz. The draft spurned and doubted: Huntley, Downing, and Buchanon. The flashless Defense: Bice, Driscoll, Hughes and Belisle. The Lunchpailers: Morrissey, Kelly and Borell. That’s the whole team, compartmentalized by category for you. It’s a unique balance of players that no other team in the league can claim. Unfortunately, the team either rolls like Duchovny’s classic Porsche Boxster or breaks down like Chandler’s minivan. (That’s a “Californication” reference, not an “X-Files” reference. And for the record, “The X-files” was pedantic and boring.)
Why you should become a part-time LA fan:
They score RIDICULOUS goals. There was a period in the season when LaxUnited became Da-Chazz-nailed-a-sick-diveshot-United. Michael Watson may not be flying through the air like he was in his heyday for the Cannons, but he has hit a few unreal shots as well. Huntley hit a shot from his knees last week. Riordan just needs to catch the ball on the crease and it’s a goal. Hubbard could score from the press box if he wanted to. The Riptide offense makes old school coaches wince and new school youngsters giggle.
Nobody in the league plays cleaner Defense. This is not a knock on the ‘Tide. They have been man down a grand total of 42 times. Denver has been a man short 84 times – DOUBLE that of LA. The Riptide defense also plays with a crisp slide and hassles attackmen from the opening whistle. Jarboe is having another solid season and has surpassed former netminder Tillman Johnson in the minds of all but the most loyal UVA fanboys. The riptide play hard, but they play smart as well. Not something you can say about that many teams in the MLL.
Everybody gets a run on the Riptide. Last season you could just watch Spencer Ford set up behind the cage and wait for him to hit a cutting middie. This year, the Riptide attack from all angles. The offense doesn’t flow through someone, it just flows. Harrison attacks from the top and the wings like he did at Hopkins. Chazz slices from the side and gets behind his defenders easier than he ever has. Huntley cleans up anything within 12 yards of the goal. Hubbard rips shots from all over the field; if he can even see the goal he’s getting his shot off. There isn’t one player to watch; you have to watch all of them.
Reasons to hate on the Riptide:
They trade players like little kid’s trade pudding cups at lunchtime. A year ago, Hell-A made the playoffs with a gritty and no-nonsense attack that hit bottom corners and slashed from the wings. Then they traded for Kyle Harrison and Bret Hughes. Hey, sweet move, fleece the Pride, shower them with draft picks get proven players. They snagged Jesse Hubbard for next to nothing as well. Sound strategy, I’m on board with that. Then they traded Sean Lindsay. Team leader Spencer Ford followed him out of town. They traded Matt Casey for another Chazz Woodson highlight on LaxUnited. People forgot these moves because Kevin Huntley emerged as a rookie of the year candidate and Jim Borell took up Casey’s slack as a transition middie. But I do not forget. Or forgive.
Nobody misses the net more than the Riptide. It’s true. Their shot on goal percentage is a league worst 62.6%. The only teams that are even close to that are New Jersey with 62.9% and Long Island with 63.4%. Lax luminary Kyle Harrison’s shooting percentage was under 20% for the first few games of the season. He hit his stride and recovered his shooting touch as the season went on, but his struggles are a microcosm of La’s biggest weakness. I hope they reinforce the signage boards at Harvard stadium for the Riptide, because they hit those almost as much as they hit the goalie.
Everybody gets a run on the Riptide. This will become a problem in the playoffs. You have to have one or two guys that will be the guys to take the game winning shot. Who is that guy on the riptide? Is it Hubbard? He can be rushed into taking a shot from a bad angle. Is it Chazz? Chazz is too inconsistent when he is pressured. Is it Harrison? Harrison loses zip on his shot when he is pushed out by stronger defenders. Who takes the last shot for the tide when the game is on the line? I don’t know, and I doubt they do either.
We’re halfway through the playoff analysis. I urge you to wait until it’s over to make your final pick, but maybe you have a soft spot for the Ratts or Hell-A. Maybe you need to stop having soft spots and listen for once. Either way, championship weekend is around the corner.
Are you ready?
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