ALL-INACTIVE TEAM - By: Dan Freshman
Memo to Paul Rabil’s girlfriend’s brother: in your latest video blog, you made several assertions that need to be clarified.
For starters, I’m not your boy. I’m like an inch taller than you. Second: I don’t think I’m the man; I am the man—not for just writing blogs, but for writing blogs and getting face-time in your blog. And because I’m the man, that means there can only be one man, which means you aren’t the man, and I am. Even though you rock some pretty top-notch hats. Solid. Wrap your mind around that, bro.
Third: I coached three camps in the last three weeks, and each one had a radar gun. In the three weeks getting clocked with the gun, I hit the net three times out of about 11 tries—until the ComLax team sales representative told me I wasn’t allowed to shoot anymore. In your face, guy-who’s-related-to-Kelly-Berger. Don’t underestimate my skills.
Last: you really need to read my columns—not blogs—more. Read what I wrote in one of them: “Either way, we’re not here to play lacrosse. Players, focus on that. We’ll focus on making fun of you while playing lacrosse. Fans, focus on watching and reading us doing it.”
And just for you: focus on your video blogs and stick tricks as well. Right now, Chazz is beating you on both of them.
Anyway, I’ll see you in Boston come Championship Weekend. Actually, I won’t be there. And neither will you.
And neither will dozens of former college All-Americans, MLL all-stars and people Quint has opined about with nonsensical hyperboles--not because they didn’t make the playoffs, but because they didn’t dress this entire season. These players were added to the “Did Not Report” list, except, unlike in other sports, they weren’t looking for a contract holdout.
They’re players who didn’t retire officially from age or injuries, or didn’t take off due to military service commitments. Depending on your viewpoint, they’re either rational souls who painstakingly gave up lacrosse for the sake of a more comfortable life or shills who sold out their chance to play professional lacrosse to the 12 adoring fans out there.
Nevertheless, here is the 2008 All-Inactive Team:
Tillman Johnson, Goaltender, Los Angeles Riptide
Four years ago, things were looking great for Tillman. He had recently won a national championship with Virginia. He graduated owning Virginia’s all-time saves record. At the time, he was the second-highest goalie draft pick in league history. He led the league with a staggering 64.1 save percentage; the next best goalie stood at 58.2 percent.
He reached the playoffs the following season and he was named an all-star. The next year, he was shipped out to his new home in California. He had another spectacular season, making the all-star team and finishing second in the league with a 61.3 save percentage.
And then he was gone.
Tillman still has his own equipment line for Brine and is still listed on the company R&D Team; but beyond that, his whereabouts are unknown. Maybe he’s sipping on Pina Coladas in San Ramon, laughing as a scrawny Asian boy screams “YAY KIP!!!” repeatedly into a handheld camera in an attempt to heckle his successor at Virginia. And because of Mickey Jarboe, the Riptide didn’t need to look back.
Michael Culver, Defense, Chicago Machine.
Machine liked the 2006 NCAA Defenseman of the Year so much that he was their second overall draft pick in franchise history. They then fell in love with the pedigreed pole from Virginia after he promised a win in the finale of the Machine’s winless 2006 season—even though they lost, anyway.
Instead, he donated half of his paycheck to congenital heart defect research and won MLL Sportsman of the Year. To offset his loss, the Machine gave him two paychecks. They crowned him assistant general manager—is that like assistant to the traveling secretary? Or is he getting paid to flash that million dollar smile?
Either way, he may be doing no more than the lowly team intern—fetch coffee, listen to irritating front office members babble on about their hopeless love life, create Facebook accounts for the team mascot during office time—whatever the Machine need to boost their helpless ticket sales. Yet defensively, thanks to Mike Gabel, the Machine aren’t feeling too heavy of a loss. In fact, the Machine’s last-ranked defense soared to sixth-best this summer. And he’s still listed as Assistant General Manager. And he’s still…the entire banner…on the Machine Web site.
Ryan Mollet, Defense, New Jersey Pride
A long time ago, Ryan Mollett was the first-ever collegiate draft pick in MLL history, drafted in front of players like Trevor Tierney, Keith Cromwell, Gavin Prout, Jeff Sonke, Shawn Nadelen, Matt Striebel and blogmaster Bobby Horsey. A long time ago Mollett showed signs that he was worth that top pick. Other times, people would write stories like this:
“The final score of the first half came off of a stupid play by Rochester defenseman Ryan Mollet. While middie Paul Cantabene was lying on the ground, Mollet took a wind up slash connecting with the Bayhawk's shoulder sending flags flying from all over. Rochester ended up one man down for two minutes as Mollet was called for both unsportsmanlike conduct and slashing.”
Still, Mollett was an all-star, never drew more than four penalty minutes in a season and was a starter every season. And according to the June 3, 2007 edition of The New York Times, Mollett was married to a Glamour Magazine editor and got his M.B.A. from Yale a week later. I can also tell you he’s an associate at a bourgeois investment firm in New York, his mother is named Dorothy and he’s definitely making a lot more money as a suit at that investment firm.
Taylor Wray, Defense, Rochester Rattlers
Don’t be fooled: Taylor Wray is not another uneducated Canadian afraid to step into the confines of field lacrosse. Wray was on the ACC Honor Roll for four years at Duke and got his masters degree two years later. But the NLL 2004 Defensive Player of the Year and 2004 Rookie of the Year won’t join his fellow tribesmen on the Rattlers, even as comforting as a Brodie Merrill Ginger Flow Bear Hug seems.
Maybe in a few years, his ex-line mate and current boss Kevin Cassesse will lead him the right way.
Chris Rotelli, Midfield, San Francisco Dragons
Sandwiched two years after Doug Shanahan and two years before Kyle Harrison, Chris Rotelli was the flavor of the month do-it-all NCAA midfielder. Like Harrison and Shanahan, Rotelli was drafted first overall in the MLL draft, landed a sweet sponsorship with Cascade and got to play in scenic Bridgeport.
Bridgeport? The home of the frisbee? Who wouldn’t want to play there?
Luckily, Rotelli was traded to Boston for a king’s ransom and had just started to flourish in 2005—until he was shipped out to San Francisco once again. After two years, he was a no-show this season.
Maybe he got sick of
these:
Rotelli never had much help in San Francisco. And with Ryan Powell out as well, Rotelli apparently decided to leave a sinking ship. He now runs his own camp that has become a haven for MLL refugees: Tillman Johnson, Mike Battista, Trey Whitty, Peter Inge, David Evans. The only active player listed is Conor Gill. Or will he be gone soon as well?
Mike Regan, Midfielder New Jersey Pride
Regs was one of my favorite players on the Cannons. One time I glanced over my sister’s U11 youth soccer parent contact list and I saw a “Mike Regan” listed. I got all giddy and thought I could spot him handing out juice and Go-GURT to pre-teen girls on Saturdays. So I decided to watch a game. And I was mistaken. And heartbroken.
Regan was one of those old school midfielders with a nasty split dodge, quick feet and a center of gravity down by Nicky Polanco’s jockstrap. His second season on the Cannons, Regan scored 11 two-point goals. No team has scored more than seven this season.
His production continued until 2005, when he got bit by a nasty leg injury. He played his last game in a Cannons uniform against the Lizards during Championship Weekend. He limped his way to a scoreless night on one shot. It was like watching an ex-NFL player eat dinner through a straw. It was that depressing.
Regan was shipped off the next season to the Pride and hasn’t seen the field since. Wikipedia says he’s retired, and I know not to question Wikipedia. By being retired, he is technically exempt from this list, but my pre-Rabil mancrush for Regan gives him a rightful spot.
AJ Haugen, Midfielder, New Jersey Pride
Paul Rabil’s hero is AJ Haugen. Need I say anything more?
Before Rabil, Haugen was the bombastic midfield threat at Hopkins. Two years ago, the Pride sacrificed the fifth overall pick in the 2006 draft for Haugen and his uncanny ability to scare MLL midfielders, defensemen, goaltenders and small children. Two years later, Haugen is gone.
The original badass midfielders of the MLL are shrinking quickly. Jay Jalbert’s gone. Mark Frye’s gone. Mike Regan’s gone. Mike Battista’s gone. Roy Colsey claims it’s his last year. Josh Sims was injured all year. Jeff Sonke is looking older and older. And now AJ Haugen is out of the league.
Mike Law, Midfielder, Denver Outlaws
Joe Walters can be converted into a midfielder, so I’m converting Mike Law into an attackman for this fictitious list. For some reason, attackmen have a much longer shelf life than other positions. Out of the top 15 scoring attackmen in 2004, nearly every player is still in the league. Gary Gait, Tom Marechek and David Evans, the three exceptions, were older players and stayed in the league until official retirement.
Anyway, Mike Law played for the Denver Outlaws and went to law school. He’s a mediocre play-by-play announcer’s wet dream. Think of all the puns: I fought the Law and the Outlaws won, Law and Order, breaking the Law, etc.
The only problem is that Law is destined for a career greater than a $10,000 salary and complimentary pre-game Gatorade energy bars. Law was drafted in the first round of the 2001 draft but then took off for four years to attend law school. In 2006, he was able to split time between finishing his law degree, interning at a law firm and playing locally for the Outlaws. And he got results: he scored 31 goals in his return season to the league and graduated law school a year later.
Law graduated last spring with a dual degree in law and a masters in real estate finance. Now, Law’s yearly salary likely outnumbers the entire Outlaws payroll.
Tracey Kelusky, Attack, Rochester Rattlers
The Rattlers’ strategy is to horde as many disgruntled Canadians as possible in hopes of luring them onto an outdoor lacrosse field. It works most of the time (Gavin Prout, Brodie Merrill, Jeff Zywicki, John Grant, Jordan Hall, Colin Doyle). Sometimes, the Royal Mounted Police storms in to rescue some of these captive Canucks.
Tracey Kelusky is as accomplished as any NLL all-star. Three NLL first team all-pro commendations, a NLL Rookie of the Year award, an All-Star Game MVP trophy at the Pengrowth Saddledome. Apparently, Canadians value receiving awards in gigantic buildings shaped like a saddle.
Due to his resume indoors, Kelusky was picked up in the Supplemental Draft a few years ago and has bounced around teams since. So ludicrous that a player would want to commit his winter, spring and summer each year earning low pay, little fanfare and a bruised and battered body.
BJ Prager, Attack, Homeless Barrage
Finally, a real field lacrosse attack man. Prager is one of those mean old school attack men who slurps up all garbage goals on the field and flashes around an Ivy League degree off it. Prager benefited from hundreds of Ryan Boyle feeds in both college and the pros, which earned him the reputation as one of the best pure finishers in lacrosse.
He’s the soul stealer who scored the game-winning goal in overtime of the 2001 NCAA Championship game. And off the field, he’s worked for the heartless mega investment firm Lehman Brothers, which raked in $59 billion in 2007. Fortunately for the Barrage, they snagged another sneaky Ivy League finisher (Seth Goldberg) to take Prager’s place—that is, until another conglomerate steals him away, too.
HONORABLE MENTION: Brad Heritage’s Blog, LaxUnited.com
WHAT THE HELL, BRAD?! I NEED IT! WHERE ARE YOU? WHAT TIME IS IT? ARE YOU AT AN AIRPORT RIGHT NOW? DON’T SHUT ME OUT LIKE THIS, BRAD!
I know Beastman stole your cookie bit, but there must be something brewing out in the Midwest, right? You haven’t played a game since early July. The world needs to hear your story. Or at least a series of “umm’s.” In fact, that’ll do.
Just hand in the FlipCam.
Do it.
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