YOUR CHOICE - By: Kyle Devitte
You know the feeling. You get it for the first time after the horn sounds. You get it again as you leave the stadium. You get it once more viewing the latest text message from your buddy who saw the game on TV. You get it yet again as you open the team’s email blast. You get it the worst after you check the box score for the last game.
Your team lost. They’re out of the playoffs.
You’re gutted.
So what do you do now? Do you pack all the emotion away and half-heartedly exclaim, “there’s always next year” before you slink away into Grandma’s bosom for the rest of the summer? (Grandma’s dead? My bad…Grandpas have bosoms too; hit those up.)
Not if you’re an MLL fan. No way. You’re loyal to your team, but you’re loyal to the game as well. Your job is not done. There’s four teams left to root for on championship weekend. If you’re lucky, your team is one of them. Maybe your team has been out for a while. Maybe they blew it last weekend. Maybe you’re not allowed to officially have a team because a website employs you and tells you not to play favourites. Maybe you never listen to what they say and write whatever you want anyway.
Look, you need a team. I’m going to help you. For the next four weeks I am going to write a quick synopsis of why you should root for a specific team that has made the playoffs. I will also give you reasons NOT to root for the team. That way, you can make your own choice; coloured as it may be by my libelous bias.
This week, the team you should/shouldn’t root for is….
The Rochester Rattlers.
Let’s go with why you SHOULD root for them first.
Casey Powell: Casey Powell is the first lacrosse player that I ever truly “followed”. We were all young once; I had not yet been exposed to the old school skills of the Gaits and Petro. There was no lacrosse in rural New Hampshire in the late 90’s. There were only blurry videotapes and tales of a man who could score from anywhere on the field. I honestly thought the grainy videos that I watched were fake. No one takes a behind the back shot from 15 yards and scores. Nobody. Casey Powell did. Casey Powell does. Casey has had a very mercurial 2008 season. He’s had eight points; he’s had zero points. He’s played midfield; he’s played attack. He’s been covered by the best D-man; he’s been covered by the third D-man. But he’s never opened his mouth about it. He just plays. I don’t know how much longer he will keep playing. So, I root for him to succeed every time he is on the field, because it might be the last time I get to see him play. I bow to the hype of one Powell, and his name is Casey.
Rochester is a miserable place to be so winning a championship would right some sort of karmic blight placed upon the city. Let me ask you – have you BEEN to Rochester? It should be the template for all post apocalyptic movies from here on out. It this massive mess of stone, glass and metal that sort of juts out of nowhere in Western New York. Once upon a time, Rochester was a city of industry. Now it is the incredible shrinking city; its population has declined steadily since 1950, going from 332,488 to just 212,481 in 2004. They eat stuff called “garbage plates” and “white hots”. Yeah, those sound delicious. For goats. Rochester needs to win something. If Paetec doesn’t get some sort of championship banner they will have to start selling the seats across from the benches to advertisers like “condom depot.com” and those Japanese foot patches that pull toxins out of your body as you sleep.
They’re fun to watch. Rochester doesn’t play draw and dump, they play dump, dump, dump, goal. The only starter that shoots worse than 30% is Mike Levin – the goalie. For a bunch of so-called “slower” guys, they sure are quick when they’re in front of goal. Try watching Doyle’s hands or Junior’s stick when they get within sniffing distance of the opposing goalie. It’s like trying to figure out a stage magician. You know he’s doing something tricky, but you don’t know how he’s doing it. Rochester’s full of magicians and when they work together its one hell of a show.
Why NOT to root for them:
They play dirty. Yeah, I said it. The Ratts are a pretty dirty team. Fifty-eight penalty minutes – tied for the league lead with Denver. Jack Reid has 17.5 penalty minutes by himself. He leads the league by 30 seconds. The runners up? Polanco and Spallina. Dubious company. Rattler’s fans – if you really think your team plays without the intention of breaking bones then you are beyond hopeless. There’s a difference between throwing a hard check and throwing a dangerous check in frustration because you’ve been beat. Rochester’s poles and D-mids don’t know the difference and neither do you.
Their fans don’t even go to their games. The only teams that have worse attendance? San Fran, Chicago and New Jersey. Paetec is actually a nice stadium once you get inside of it. Getting in and out of the parking lot alive? Not so safe – even in the daylight. I wear an empty holster under my LaxUnited polo just to make people think twice about jacking me up.
Joe Walters. I hate Joe Walters. So does everyone who saw him try to ham his way through the skills competition in the All-Star game this year. He made his own Elway Jersey with a sharpie and attempted to woo the crowd with a distance rip in the trick shot event. Two words: Epic. Fail. He’s actually a very talented one-handed player – I just can’t deal with his creepy toothy grin. I hate Joe Walters more than I hate Michael Bay.
AND I DESPISE MICHAEL BAY!
Pride fans, Bayhawks fans, Dragons fans (HAHahaha…haha…haa…ha. Hmm.) Cannons fans, Machine fans, Lizards fans – you’ve got a choice to make. But not yet. Check back next week for another emotionally satisfying playoff cheat sheet.
BONUS!
It is with great pleasure that I bring you the first annual ALL GINGER TEAM.
2008 MLL ALL GINGER TEAM
D: Kyle Sweeney (Homeless) King of all Gingers.
D: Brodie Merrill: The Ginger Prince.
D: Kyle Hartzell (San Fran) D3 Ginger.
M: Sean Lindsay (San Fran) ‘Cuse Ginger.
M: Devon Britts (Wash) D-Mid Ginger.
M: Jim Borell (LA) Never-Heard-Of-Him Ginger.
FO: Justin Berry (NJ) Unsure on this one – he has ginger facial hair, so he got the nod as FOGO Ginger.
A: Brad Reppert (LA) Super Pale Ginger.
A: Mike Springer (Homeless) Gargantuan Ginger.
A: Buggs Combs (Wash) Trash-talking Ginger.
G: Doc…Goalie was thin this year. He’s pink enough, and has orange facial hair…just let it go. Oh, and unhealthy lifestyle Ginger.
Coach: Adam Hazen (Boston). If you don’t know who Adam Hazen is then I feel sorry for you. He is the Emperor of Ginger flow. YOU WILL BOW BEFORE HIM CHURLISH KNAVE!
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