Normally I reserve emails like this for my email-bag at the end of the year. A move I blatantly stole from a certain page 2 columnist – something that I have no problem admitting. I steal a lot of stuff; it’s sort of a hobby.

 

Anyway, check this email out. It raises a number of pertinent questions about the MLL “Plays of the Week” on LaxUnited. Plus I am addressed as some sort of influencing member of LaxUnited, which is nice but ultimately untrue. Only one man can handle such a daunting task. A man so formidable, so relentless so…cherubic could shoulder such a burden…

 

But we’ll get to that later.

 

Mr. Devitte, 

 

(Got my name right, 20 points. It’s more than I can say for Doc, who is clearly illiterate, as I have never said that he “sucked” – just that he USED to be fat.)

 

I am writing you, the power behind the throne, to right an injustice.  After all, aren't all you easterner's "connected"?

 

(Throne. Heh heh. He said throne).

 

Kneecap the numbskull who picks the MLL plays of the week.  Not-too-gently remind the now-disfigured dolt that 40% of the players on a lacrosse field are devoted to defense.  40%.  There have been 41 plays of the week so far and precisely zero, none, zilch have been devoted to defense.  

 

(Technically he’s right – if you don’t count goalie saves as, you know, Defense.)

 

I know this because live game broadcasts just don't happen in Texas, forcing devotees down here to become highlight junkies.  We play the same MLL reels over and over again, starring the same offensive tinkerbells writhing in the air and collapsing to earth after beating and scoring on some poor smuck defenseman who has stopped the guy the last 28 times down the field. 

 

(Tinkerbells, eh? This dude is broing me out. Also, it’s “Schmuck”, not “smuck”.)

 

Then we get to choke down the vomit while witnessing the miraculously immediate recovery worthy of world cup soccer, high fives and kisses all around.  Ugh.

 

(Soccer reference…guy is growing on me. The kisses part was a bit far, but this is his show – not mine.)

 

Dare the MLL, threaten the MLL, cajole the MLL.  What a jolt it would be to see one, just one, plays-of-the-week highlight reel with nothing but solid, bone crushing defense.  It can't be that hard to come with five worthy defensive plays, can it?  The crafty poke check, the strip, the laid-you-out-because-your-"buddy"-threw-that-stupid-lazy-arcing-pass check.

 

(Dare? Perhaps. Threaten? No. Cajole? Always. There have actually been a lot of hits showcased on various promos and features on LaxUnited, so I can’t go 100% on this. However, five plays of defense? Really?)

 

And while you're at it.  The FOGO is not a defenseman.  Choosing Vlahakis as defensive player of the week is indolent and wrong.  Four times is a travesty.  Oh wait, I get it.  The guy who chooses players of the week only watches the highlight reels.  Kneecap him too. 

 

(What’s with this kneecapping thing? Are you in the IRA or something? Seen too many gangster movies? Slept with Tonya Harding?)

 

If you get all of your information from the highlights and the stat line in order to pick the defensive player of the week, walking is an undeserved luxury.  When the FOGO wins 60% of his face offs, he become an object of awe and admiration.  Can you imagine how long a defenseman who gets beat 40% of the time would last in the MLL?  In any league?  If goalies their own category, so can FOGOs.

 

(Wow. That is an excellent point. At the risk of losing my friendship with numerous FOGO-buddies of mine I’m going to have to agree with you there. You’re winning me back, keep going.)

 

Lastly ground balls are a stupid way to judge defensive performance.  A defenseman who plays the wing on faceoffs gets more ground balls than one who doesn't.  Duh. 

 

(Condescending. I like it. Bonus: the origin of the word “duh” http://www.answers.com/topic/duh. I think GB’s as a stat are valuable, but in terms of defensive prowess, mean little. This guy’s up 2-1 on the MLL right now. I’m worried.)

 

If you insist on using ground balls to measure defensive hustle, at least subtract those garnered while playing midfield.  A better measure is the opposing teams’ stat line.  Or the opposing player.  Or better yet watch the game.  Subjective as that would be, it is infinitely better than what is done now.

 

(Yeah, the stat guys can’t even get saves right, how are they supposed to figure out when a guy is playing midfield? It’s not a video game; they can’t throw cursors over the guys’ heads. Player match-up analysis is also unrealistic as it is impossible to keep track of without some sort android statistician.)

 

I know I rambled here, but I just got wound up.  Despite your suspicions, I am not speaking for one player in this rant but for the 40% who don't flit around the crease and who aren't self obsessed namby pambys glorified by the highlight reel. 

(You really don’t like attackmen do you? Show me on the dolly where the bad attackman checked you. It’s ok.) 

 

For those who yearn to watch lacrosse--the sport, not lacrosse--the marketing package.

 

- Name Withheld for obvious and not-so-obvious reasons.

 

 

Well, that was fun. The last sentence made no sense, but it was fun. There are a number of very astute and poignant references made in this email. It might break the record for such references in an email sent to me as it does not contain without the words “hack”, “poser” or “monkey-@#$%er”. 

 

The plays of the week are directly connected to the melts that the local crews produce. What’s a melt? Besides being a delicious sandwich a melt is a collection of highlights that are chosen by producers in a truck behind the stadium. Those producers may or may not be well versed in the subtleties of the game. For example, I’m sure there are a ton of TV producers that played some form of lacrosse in Chicago…

 

Look, I agree that defense is often undervalued in lacrosse. But isn’t it undervalued in every sport? I don’t think a great block is ever going to vault a vicious dunk in a basketball highlight. Do you really think an upper 90 corner ping is going to lose out to a poke check? That’s not realistic. 

 

That being said, there should be a concerted effort to show more defense in the MLL plays of the week - if only to shut the “lax purists” up. 

 

In the end, the man to talk to is Jason Chandler. Jason is the man in charge of LaxUnited. He posts all the articles, gives the “thumbs up” to all the videos and stabs the interns with sharp objects. Jason is so powerful that when I asked Dave Gross why I wasn’t going to the All Star game I was told to “Talk to Jason.” I believe that it is the first time, on or off the record, that Dave Gross has deferred to anyone, ever. 

 

So Baby-faced assassin, how about some defensive plays for this dude? 

 

It’s not like he’s asking for a flight to Denver or gas money for Rochester.