GUY WHO PICKED ALL-STARS HID MY MEDS - By: Kyle Devitte
The All-Star rosters came out last wee -
Hold on a second. I need to break some things before I start.
…
Thank you for your patience.
As I was saying, the MLL All-Star rosters came out last week. As you can no doubt guess, I am perturbed. Upset. Offended. Yeah, I’m offended more than anything else.
There’s no Casey Powell. There’s no Jesse Hubbard. There’s no Roy Colsey. No Ryan Curtis. No Brian Dougherty.
How can this be?
The original Powell has 22 points this year! He’s…third…on the team. He’s had two games where he has registered over 5 points, and one game where he had an incredible three goals and five assists. Dirty Joe Walt stole his MVP that game too, with…five…goals. Powell also missed two games this year, so he had no poi – oh. No, I guess he played in those games. He registered shots on goal. Hmm.
[Its just one snub, it will be okay.]
Well, I know Jesse Hubbard has had career resurgence in Los Angeles this year, I mean the guy is…20th in scoring. That can’t be right; he was in the top ten at some point, right? I mean its Jesse frickin’ Hubbard, the quintessential shooter on a team full of dodging middies. He’s got to be in goal scoring heaven. His best game was an eight-point (6g’s, 2a’s) outburst against the Outlaws in June. A game that the Riptide lost 13-16. I guess Hubbard’s been held without a goal this year too.
[Damn, this isn’t going well.]
I hesitate to write anything about Colsey because word on the street is that he’s a psycho and hates when people write about him. You would think that would make me WANT to write about him regardless, but I respect the guy’s game. And lack of a neck. And 100mph shot. And ability to kill with his mind. You know, this is a bad idea. ROY COLSEY SHOULD MAKE EVERY ALL-STAR GAME. HE IS AWESOME. I DO NOT CARE THAT HE HAS LESS THAN 20 POINTS HE IS FREAKING IN!
[Seriously – NOT panning out. Abort, abort.]
Speaking of tough dudes with a general lack of neck, why isn’t Ryan Curtis on the eastern team? He was on Team USA just two summers ago! He always covers the top guy doesn’t he? Well, I mean Passavia gets the quick guys but Curtis is right there on the second attackman, muscling him off the ball – correct? You know, protecting the crease. Curtis hasn’t ever been a flashy checker, or a ground ball vacuum. He doesn’t really run the ball up, either. He just sort of plays…Defense. What Curtis does won’t show up on the stat sheet very much, you know. King of intangibles.
[Please, don’t make me do this.]
Oh, oh, oh I’ve got one – what about Doc?! Hah, see this time I have statistics on my side. Doc is number three in save percentage with 57%. He also LEADS the MLL in total saves with 149. His goals against average is 14.8, good for tenth in the league. How many goals has he let in, I mean it can’t be that mu – oh. 112. Well that is a lot. Nobody has let in more goals in the entire league, actually.
[I’m sorry.]
Okay, that’s enough what the hell is going on here? What is up with all of these lacrosse legends and mainstays not attending the biggest show? Why can’t I see Casey throw a BTB to Colsey for a pigeon-killing rocketship shot? Why can’t I see Ryan Curtis run over a confused ball boy as a dancing Doc jiggles to victory? Why can’t I watch Hubbard rip the corner of the net in slow motion like he does in those Warrior commercials?
[Don’t say it.]
Please, don’t make me say it.
[…]
They’re old. My heroes…are old.
I mean, not all of those guys are my heroes. I’d rather stab my own eyes out with a rusty knife covered in Hepatitis C while being kicked in the stomach by a roided donkey than root for Doc. However, I do acknowledge the contributions of these players to not only the game of lacrosse - but also the league itself.
[Yeah, I flipped that – what are you going to do?]
To me, the most inconceivable slight is that there will be an All-Star game without Casey Powell. I am aware that he has missed them before, but it was because of injury or a legal dispute that I’m not allowed to talk about. I know why he’s not on the team. I just embarrassed myself (even if it was on purpose) a few paragraphs ago showing you why.
[It just…hasn’t sunk in yet.]
I wish there was a more efficient way to qualify these selections. I mean, why didn’t the MLL let the fans vote this year? How many of these guys were just thrown onto roster because they have some sick highlights and work for Warrior or Brine?
[The answer is four of them.]
I think we know that a few guys on the current teams are on there because of who they are and not how good they are. Honestly, I expected that. I didn’t expect D-middies, but I probably should have seen it coming. I just hope there isn’t a point in the game when they get the ball and go to cage. I mean, watching Shawn Nadelen get stripped by Kyle Harrison would only be funny if he ice-picked him, you know?
[Funnier the other way around, actually.]
So before you go flipping out about how Matt Alrich should be on the East (you’re right - he should) or why Chazz Woodson doesn’t belong on the West (also correct – he doesn’t) – think about the guys who started this league. Recognize that some of the guys out there on the 17th may be faster, or stronger or flashier than the fabled warriors that I listed above.
But they’re not better.
[Not even Rabil.]
Recent News 
