MEET ME HALFWAY - By: Kyle Devitte
So, in case you were not aware of it, George Carlin died today. I’d like to say Carlin was one of my main influences in life for one simple reason. He lived his life by the motto:
“One thing I've learned is if you go through life and don't give a #$%& you'll find yourself a happier person.”
Of course, like many of you Gen-Yer’s I just thought Carlin was the guy in “Dogma” who created the “Buddy Christ”, so I’d be lying I didn’t tell you that I lifted that quote from aintitcool.com.
Around this time last year I was given hell for a lot of what I had been saying about MLL players, GM’s and coaches. I felt all guilty and wrote this steaming pile of shdoobie that was all like” “I’m just trying to be funny, it’s ok, see, I’m joking…hahahha? Right?”
Yeah - No. Now I’m pissed again. That Jay Jalbert piece you read last week was the last fluff piece you’re going to see on this site from me.
We’re halfway through the season, or as close as we can get to it on a Monday. Out of the 60 fixtures in the league schedule 28 are done and in the books. Chandler, you want headlines? Here are the headlines for each team, halfway through the season all neat and cut up and guaranteed to make fans, GM’s coaches and players cringe.
The league champion Barrage have the worst goals against average in the league.
Hey, didn’t you write something about how they have the best goalie of all time, C-man? Doc’s had a few bad games, sure, but I can’t blame it all on him. The defense that once had people cowering in fear looks lost and disjointed in the 6 on 6. The Barrage still have flashes of defensive brilliance, but their ability to handle great one-on-one players is nearly as menopausal. Maybe the Barrage SHOULD have angled for some picks in the draft.
People are juicing themselves over Jersey’s two wins.
They’re juicing HARD. Is anyone else as under whelmed by Danowski as I am? I’m not saying he’s a bad player, but he can be covered by a physical defender down low and has gotten the majority of his points from transition. The rest of the NJ rookies are a mixed bag and except for Peyser, have yet to play with any consistency. Colour me jaded, but I want my Pride to be hapless and depressing. This whole youth movement is upsetting, but it won’t be scary until next year.
San Francisco is just B-A-D and their unis are hideous.
As someone that coahes a purple and black team I understand that they have little in the way of fashionable flexibility, but the helmet change and the poorly dyed sticks make them look like drag queens. Get a stylist, people. On the bright side, I heard they have the hottest cheerleaders, so hey, thumbs up on that.
Denver is nasty.
Uhm…that’s it. They just are. I don’t think they play as pretty as they did last year, but that’s not a knock, it’s a compliment. Simple draw and dump lacrosse from the top and behind the cage is not something you would expect to see in the MLL, but the Outlaws have brought it back. Plus, it’s pretty easy to play draw and dump when your X-Man is Rhino Powell and the rest of your attack consists of crease trolls like Matt Brown and Brendan Mundorf . Oh, and having middies that have rope from 20 like Brian Langtry, Matt Hanna and Jeff Sonke doesn’t hurt either. Even the defense is impressive, Zach Jungers has emerged as an impressive second year player on D and Schwartzman’s colostomy bag has been clean since week two.
LA made way too many moves in the off-season and the draft.
What happened to last year’s core team? You have new players starting at every position but goalie. Hubbard has had an impressive purple patch as of late, notching six g-units in his last game against Denver. I ragged on Hubbard hard last year for not producing like he has in the past, but he has re-established himself as one of the game’s best shooters. LA’s run last year will be a fluke if they don’t get some more of their stars to find their mojo.
Chicago is luckless just like the Cubs.
Yeeeeeaaahhhh! Baseball reference! Wooo! Oh, no…now I have to say something witty about baseball…Baseball sucks. That’s all I got. The Machine cannot catch a break this summer. I mean first they get sheisted at the draft by the Cannons swiping Rabil and pick-pocketing Morris, then the Pride get the best of them by taking Leveille and forcing a trade for an extra pick. Think about that for a second- the PRIDE tooled them in a trade. Only the Dragons have a more woeful trading history. To make matters all the more dire, the Machine have dropped two games in OT. Ouch.
Long Island is underestimated by everyone.
That includes me. On paper – god I hate typing that what, a stupid phrase – the Liz are stacked. Crap that’s two clichés in one sentence, that’s my weekly allowance. Unlike Los Angeles, Long Island has been galvanized by their trades and draft picks. Spencer Ford – he of little t now flow, but sick game – is doing exactly what he did for the Riptide – controlling the game from behind the cage and passing all over people’s asses like they’re standing still.
The Cannons are too sensitive.
They enjoy cuddle parties, long walks on the beach and a good cry. Especially Matt Poskay.
Rochester doesn’t play lacrosse.
They play box lacrosse on a field. They play with creativity, speed and violence. The first two aspects – when combined – create scintillating lacrosse. It’s almost enough to make me a Rattlers fan. What puts me over the edge is the last part. Sometimes it feels like the Ratts are re-enacting scenes from “Clockwork Orange” on defense. Cross-checking people in the neck. Pushing opponents instead of celebrating after goals. Knocking people into the signage boards. Those are the kind of things that make me want to rock Rattler’s gold in the seedy streets of Medford, MA. (Don’t worry, I still hate them; I just like watching them play right now).
Washington has Garrity, Dixon and Gill - that’s it.
You want to beat the Bayhawks? Slip the baby-faced assassin (available to hire for 3 dollars and a Subway freshfit meal) into their locker room and have him slip tranq-shanks into their backs before they walk out. The rest of the Bayhawks have either benefited directly from the play of those three players or are having down years. Their defense is huge and intimidating, but they’re slow and labourius as well. You can be a lot of things in the MLL. Smug, childish, chode-like – but you cannot be slow.
Those are the headlines in my twisted mind. So, keep the hate mail flowing, people. It’s like warm and chewy pituitary gland candy to my zombified brain.
[Obligatory youtube link:]
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