I LOVE POWER RANKINGS - By: Dan Freshman
Sports is important. Like, it’s so important; it is life. Everything in life can be represented to sports. Your town is like your field—where you roam, where you live. Your friends and family are like your teammates—who you work with, who you stand by. The professional athletes you watch on TV are…uh…the re…gro…I like sports.
And life is all about being best. At least that’s what my dad says. But in sports, it’s so easy. We have statistics. Numbers. The person with the most goals is the best person—today, this week, this month, this season, ever. And the team that wins in the end is absolutely the best team ever this year. And that’s why I like sports.
I like it when things are easy for me, when I don’t have to think. Like when my mom lays out my clothes for me the next day. Or when my girlfriend tells me which movie we’re going to see. Or when my math teacher tells me what work to do in school. Or when my boss tells me what brands I’m allowed to wear. And sports is so thoughtless, it’s fun. The town I’m born in tells me which team to root for, the TV which game to watch, the scoreboard who to think is winning and the cheerleaders when to cheer. Yay! But pom poms are scary, though. So are ugly cheerleaders. But there aren’t as many this year. I love sports (and the MLL) for making things easy!
The MLL, in particular, makes things easy through Pointstreak. I can get all of my MLL statistics at the touch of my fingertips! At any minute, I can mozy over to this super awesome site that isn’t blocked by my internet filter (unlike those dirty pictures on LaxUnited) and see who’s definitely the super best. John Grant Jr. has 20 goals? Whoa! He must be the best, ever! And I couldn’t figure that out without Pointstreak.
But wait—Spencer Ford has 14 assists. That’s a lot of assists. Which is worth more—goals or assists? What? They’re worth the same?! How do I know who’s the best then? And what about two-point goals? And power play goals? And power play assists? And shorthanded goals? What about face-offs too!? That chubby, slow kid who’s always on my team with the torn-up gloves and funny wobble when he runs down the field tells me that face-offs are the most important thing too. How can the MLL help me figure out what I should think!?
Thank the lord for Quint Kessenich. Whenever I want to learn about lacrosse, I go to Quint. For example, I didn’t know until last Memorial Day Weekend that lacrosse players use narrow sticks and titanium shafts. What a newsbreak! I’m so happy he’s keeping us with all of these updates in the game. Had I been stuck in a time capsule and not seen a lacrosse field in the last 15 years, I may have not known about titanium! I surely know when Dave Morrow introduced the titanium shaft in the early 90’s while still at Princeton he sure must have never imagined Quint to reveal the wonders of the titanium shaft 15 years later on national television!
Quint’s such an amazing person he should be on LaxUnited. Why isn’t he?
Quint’s too busy at Inside Lacrosse, making the world easier for us. Quint has a special blog that solves all of my questions about who’s the best—weekly Power Rankings. Now all of my troubles will be solved. No hard numbers to understand. No categories to shuffle through and figure out who’s better. He simply spells out who’s the best, who’s second-best, who’s third-best, who’s fourth-best, who’s fifth-best, who’s sixth-best, who’s seventh-best, who’s eighth-best, who’s ninth-best and who’s tenth-best.
It’s so good I’ve been checking it every week. Two weeks ago, it was Rochester. That makes sense because they have John Grant Jr. and his super-scary taped arm shield and big Canadian body. Then it was Philadelphia. See, this would be tricky if I just went by numbers. At the time, Denver had the same record as Philadelphia and was fresh off an eight-goal win, but Philadelphia had just lost by 13. Thanks Quint!
Uh oh. But then last week, Philadelphia AND Rochester lost. I thought they were the best? Gosh. I guess I understood Power Rankings wrong. I thought Power Rankings meant that the best teams are at the top and they’re not supposed to lose—well, at least not both of them. Good thing I wasn’t putting money on this or bragging to my friends that I know everything about lacrosse, or I would have looked awfully stupid. But this time, Quint changed it up—a bit. Rochester is 1 and Washington is 2. Rochester is still one after losing by three goals? I thought you score more goals to be better?
Okay, Quint says that the game was a fluke because it was a game cancellation. And now, Washington is 2, and Denver is still three. I guess those Outlaws aren’t good. They beat the defending Western Conference champions in an in-conference battle. But Quint says they’re still 3. And who wouldn’t trust the smartest lacrosse player on the field—the goalie. How can’t you rely on a person who gets several thousand rubber balls thrown at him with minimal padding over the course of a season?
What?! Rochester AND Washington lost now too! Rochester lost to the team Quint put at 10, dead last. Maybe the number-10 team is the best? Sports is confusing! I’m confused! Can Mikey come and jump now? I get happy when Mikey jumps. Or when Chazz plays with his all-orange stick. Ooh, orange. Shiney.
Now, Quint has Denver at 1. I guess he finally likes Denver now! Then comes Long Island, and then Rochester and then Washington. He thinks the Bayhawks will finish 7-4 this season. That’s odd. I thought there were 12 games in an MLL season. And the Bayhawks schedule says they have 12 games too. Hooray for Quint for predicting the Bayhawks won’t play one of their games this year! Which one will it be? I hope it’s not the one in Boston today.
I wish Quint could be on LaxUnited to explain these things. I bet he’d look good in one of our polos.
But thank the MLL again for saving me from this mess. They posted LaxPower’s rankings too! I like LaxPower—because they have “power” in their name, so their Power Rankings must be great! And they have that smiling fellow Dan Driscoll. I saw him on LaxUnited. His son plays lacrosse too.
And he’s on those bottles under my kitchen counter: 
They also have great feature stories too. Too bad I guess that reporter they had isn’t coming back. But they don’t need him. They have super fast computers and super accurate rankings. Ever want to know who’s better-Nequa Valley (IL) Girls’ Lacrosse or King & Low-Heywood Thomas (NE)? Nequa’s better, by .35 points. Thanks LaxPower!
And now those perfect rankings come to the MLL. This week, my Boston Cannons are the best team in the country. Go Paul Rabil! They have a 99.90 rating—that’s almost perfect. So the Cannons must also be perfect. The computers must have factored in their amazing two and only two wins against the New Jersey Pride, who only have one win. They also must have realized how awesome they looked surrendering a three-goal lead to the Rattlers in the fourth quarter, or losing to the then-winless Lizards in overtime. No team is clearly better than the Cannons—not Denver, not Rochester, not any team Quint had above in his rankings. I mean, they beat a team TWICE this year. Who else can say that?
The Cannons are so amazing that they have a worse record than the second, third, fourth and fifth-place teams in the rankings. And because the New Jersey Pride lost to the Cannons, the best team ever, twice, they get to be ranked sixth! They’re the best one-win team ever.
Boy, rankings can be fun. They make things so easy to understand in such an easy manner. Like, ESPN.com, the master of Power Rankings, released its baseball rankings this week. The Minnesota Twins, where ever that is (they don’t have a lacrosse team, so they don’t matter), dropped 13 spots from number 11 to number 24. They were just about a top-ten team in the league, and now they’re one of the bottom six. Only ESPN could tell me how bad they dropped so clearly. Why did they drop so badly, I wonder? Well, on the description, ESPN says, “Joe Mauer, who ranks second in the AL in batting at .327, is hitting .373 at home and .279 on the road.” Clearly! Now I understand why the entire team dropped so poorly.
What would we do without rankings? Mindlessly run around not knowing who’s the best team ever? But what do I know. I have my own rankings too, but I know they aren’t right either. I only hope the MLL adopts one of these ranking systems so then we can just forget about the whole season and crown who’s the champion then and there.
MLL POWER RANKINGS—IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER
- Boston Cannons. Matt Alrich is 6’3”. I wonder if he could play for the Celtics.
- Chicago Machine. Augustana (IL) Club Lacrosse is my heroes.
- Denver Outlaws. They’re sponsored by Dick’s. Hehehe. Dicks.
- Long Island. Nicky Polanco likes the Yankees. And hurting people.
- Los Angeles. Terry Riordan is old enough to be my dad.
- New Jersey. I wonder if all players dream of playing off the Jersey Turnpike.
- Philadelphia/Homeless. “Barrage” apparently rhymes with “Garbage.” Maybe in announcer tongue.
- Rochester. Alex Smith likes Häagen-Dazs. Just like that plump kid who’s always on my team where ever I go. And he takes face-offs too! What a coincidence.
- San Francisco. Drew Virk is the Stanford Club lacrosse coach. I wonder if he can get me into college?
- Washington. If I make fun of Christian Cook, will the CIA assassinate me?
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