VILLAINS - By: Kyle Devitte
When I was a freshman in college I wrote an essay on Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales and how it didn’t have any decent bad guys in it. I then went on to tell stories of how I always liked being the bad guy growing up, going so far as to dress up as Skeletor one Halloween. If you don’t know who Skeletor is, then you are young and I feel/am old and therefore this anecdote isn’t nearly as effective as I thought it would be…fine, he’s the bad guy from He-Man: an 80’s cartoon. Regardless, I wrote this whole paper on how bad guys don’t get enough play in literary novels and that is why certain classical literature is unbearable to read. Don’t buy it? Yeah, neither did my teacher. The hooker gave me a D and wrote, “I don’t believe any of this and neither do you”.
She was right of course. I didn’t dress up as Skeletor and often broke my friends toys unless I got to be He-Man. I’m clearly damaged, but even I know this one basic thing.
Everybody wants to be a hero.
Lacrosse is no different from any other sport. Lacrosse players of all ages daydream about making the game winning shot, the game saving check or the game changing save. Everyone wants to be the guy that people cheer for.
The problem is that no one likes to be the villain. Sure people hate the way certain teams’ play or certain teams don’t win – at all, but no one ever says, “That guy is such an ass; I wish someone would cleat his face.” (Besides me). Where is the hate in this league? It’s certainly not in the coaches, since watching them interact before and after games is like watching 70 year-old ladies at afternoon tea. I half expect Brian Reese to start swapping knitting techniques with Jim Mule at halftime of some games. Where is there a John Chaney yelling “I’ll kill you!” at a John Calipari for audibly intimidating refs?
I know; it’s just too much to hope for. The league doesn’t need crazy coaches; they need crazy players. I know some of you MLL guys are tapped. You have to be a little insane to play against guys like Brian Spallina or Eric Martin or Nicky Polanco. In fact, those three guys should be the ones that get on camera for the league the most.
I’m sick of watching videos of selfless and soulless MLL players ramble on about how great their teammates are and how lucky they are to be playing in the MLL. Guys, we know your teammates are great because we ALREADY KNOW HOW GOOD THEY ARE! DO YOU KNOW HOW WE KNOW THAT? BECAUSE THEY’RE IN THE MLL! The fact that the MLL is the best (field) lacrosse league in the world is indisputable.
**Begin Mini Rant**
Let me tell you something, If I hear one “glorified summer league” comment from some bitter chump who got cut from his “top ten” Varsity team for binge drinking on the state house lawn I will cut his heart out with a grapefruit spoon. All of you MLL haters make me sick with your obvious jealousy.
**End Mini Rant**
I want all of you MLL fans to do me a favor. The next time you go to an MLL game, pick one player on the other team to dislike. Just one. For one quarter watch him. Study him. Recognize his weaknesses. Now go back to watching the game. I challenge you to watch that player without gaining some measure of pleasure from his mistakes. It doesn’t make you a bad person. The truth is it’s just as much fun to root against the other team as it is for yours. But you’re a sports fan - you already knew that. The thing is, in the MLL it seems like people just dislike teams and not players.
For example, a lot of people have been hating on the Barrage lately. They’re an easy target right now because of their perceived “fall from grace”. I say perceived because it’s completely untrue and way too early to be discounting the Philly-less team. Bagging on a team is the easy way out for critics. It’s not hard to find a player having a bad season on every team. If I had more word space I could list a player on every team that is having a subpar season. But that’s because I’m a negative bastard and could find misery in an island sunset if I wanted to.
So instead, I will tell you who my favorite MLL villain is.
Someone was telling me that a certain MLL goalie was finished because he’s had two bad games. Two bad games and he’s done. Right. You know who else had two bad games earlier this season? My second-favorite article target Kyle Harrison. Guy had two points in two games and a shooting percentage of 6. Yes, six. Where is everyone saying how “finished” he is?
I digress - Kyle Harrison couldn’t be a villain if he had a twirly mustache and a monacle.
The best villain in the MLL is Brian Dougherty.
There were no cameras or microphones on Brian Dougherty after he was benched against the Rattlers two weeks ago. Let me fill you in on what transpired because I was there: The crowd mercilessly jeered and booed Doc, and he became more and more incensed and eventually turned around and asked the fans for everything they had. He put his hand to his ear and taunted the rowdy Rochester crowd who responded in kind. Doc waited for a few minutes and then held up three fingers and pointed to them while screaming “Three rings!” over and over. It was a spectacle and should have been captured on video or audio or cell phone and put on the internets for all lax junkies to see.
Screw Chandler’s “Greatest goalie ever! Be my best friend!” LaxUnited column on Doc from earlier this year. I don’t care how good Dougherty is, its nothing compared to how aggravating he can be on to watch. Doc can make a blowout seem entertaining. He can get a forty-something accountant to rise out of his seat and scream obscenities. Just by dancing a little jig in his crease after a save, Doc sends jagged shards of rage into the souls of opposing fans. You have to respect that. I have to envy it. So here’s to you, Doc; nobody in the league is as much fun to hate as you are.
Oh, and Dan if you call bill Simmons a hack one more time I’m going to slit your throat with a rusty F15 shaft I have sitting in the trunk of my car. Go read Dan Shaughnessy columns and slap yourself in the face with rolled up Boston Globe sports sections. Don’t take verbal dumps on my heroes.
Or my villains.
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